WSSID Ch 10 - Stories From the Final Chapter

WSSID Ch 10 - When Sinners Say Goodbye

Key Idea: Marriage is not just for life, it is a preparation for the life to come.

You are a temporary spouse. Despite living in a world in which death is often taboo, the Bible won't let us ignore or avoid our inevitable end. God is very interested in teaching us how to die.

…today matters because tomorrow can’t be assumed. (170)

God wants us to die well. (170)

Sometimes I have come upon a cemetery plot with a matched pair of headstones, one inscribed, the other still blank. That’s when I stop and ponder the marriage story being illustrated there. (170)

You are given to your spouse to help him or her die well!

Pastor Richard Baxter saw one of the goals of marriage as this, ‘To prepare each other for the approach of death, and comfort each other in the hopes of life eternal.’ (171)

Key Text: 2 Cor. 4:16-18

¹⁶          Therefore we do not lose heart,

but though our outer man is decaying,

yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.

¹⁷          For       momentary,     light     affliction         is producing for us

an eternal         weight             of glory far beyond all comparison,

¹⁸                      while we look

not at the things which are seen,

but at the things which are not seen;

for the things which are seen             are temporal,

but the things which are not seen       are eternal.

This inevitable wasting away comes from our forefather Adam, who turn from God toward self-sufficiency doomed us to the universal physical destiny of ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life involves bodily decay, folks. The only question is when do we recognize it.

But Paul overlays this cold physical reality with radiant gospel truth. Bodily decay isn’t the only thing going on: We are being gloriously renewed from within. …under the new spiritual birth, the life of God re-animates our sin-dead souls and the process is reversed—we actually get better with time! (172)

So when life comes at you in ways you don’t expect, remember this: Regeneration is the initial burst of spiritual life in our souls. Renewal is that same power working itself out in every facet of who we are, fitting us, as it were, for eternal life with Jesus.” (172)

The only way that we will not lose heart as our bodies waste away, is by fixing our soul’s gaze on the eternal weight of glory that makes any and all affliction on this earth look light and momentary.

If all we treasure is here on earth, then each passing day means we are backing away from what we treasure. We are bound to lose heart if we are, in a sense, walking backwards out of this world.

But if we lay up our treasure in heaven, and if we encourage our spouse to do the same, then each passing day means we are getting one step closer to where our heart is already. And rather than losing heart, we will be renewed day by day.

Oh, how we need the “eternal weight of glory” to become increasingly REAL to us! Oh, how we need to see that this world is actually the “Shadowlands,” and the life to come is the place of REAL life and substance and solidity.

Heaven is always Heaven and unspeakably full of blessedness… And on that day when the springtide of the infinite ocean of joy shall have come, what a measureless flood of delight shall overflow the souls of all glorified spirits as they perceive that the consummation of love’s great design is come—“The marriage of the Lamb is come and His wife has made herself ready”! We do not know yet, Beloved, of what happiness we are capable… Oh, may I be there! ... If I may but see the King in His beauty, in the fullness of His joy—when He shall take by the right hand her for whom He shed His precious blood and shall know the joy which was set before Him, for which He endured the Cross, despising the shame—I shall be blest indeed! Oh, what a day that will be when every member of Christ shall be crowned in him, and with him, and every member of the mystical body shall be glorified in the glory of the Bridegroom! …the saints, arrayed in the righteousness of Christ, shall be eternally one with him in living, loving, lasting union, partaking together of the same glory, the glory of the most High. What must it be to be there! (182, quoting Charles Spurgeon, from The Marriage of the Lamb – no. 2096, preached morning of July 21, 1889)

Questions (mainly from the study guide):

• What are your thoughts and feelings on death? How might they affect how you currently life your life?
• How do you think you might need to view your marriage differently to prepare for the later years?
• Where will you be as a couple in ten years? What would you like your marriage to look like at that time?
• Have you ever seen an elderly married couple that you admired? What about their marriage did you find attractive? How will you be that couple? What do you need to change? To start? To cultivate?

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Dependence

Sex is marriage an adventure of devotion, delight, and finally, dependence.

     3. Dependence

Sex is part of ordinary married life. Just as we need grace for every other aspect of ordinary life, we need grace for our “sex life.” Given all the challenges and obstacles and “issues” that make healthy, happy, holy marital intimacy more an exception than the norm, you’d think we’d be really dependent and prayerful here!

What kinds of things typically get in the way?

Certainly there are circumstantial and even physical obstacles that often get in the way. But the greatest obstacles flow from our sinful hearts. Harvey looks at three common sins that can rob sweetness from the sexual relationship in marriage (on 163ff).

What might happen if we humbly depend on Gospel grace to overcome these obstacles?

• Sloth

The sin of sloth may go by other names and take various forms:

• Indifference
• Passivity
• Unresponsiveness
• Letting your appearance go
• Boredom (and lazily doing nothing about it)
• Settling for things as they are (after all, "they'll never change")

NO!
DEPEND on God for energy and strength and grace!

• Unbelief

• “It’ll never change!"
• “I can’t ever please him/her."
• “She’ll/He’ll never…”

No!

Do you really believe that this one is beyond God’s reach?!

Do you really believe God can’t help / doesn’t want to help?!

DEPEND on God for intervention and change and grace!

• Bitterness

• Unbelief says, “I/God can’t” – Bitterness says, “I/God won’t!”
• Unbelief leans away from God’s promises; bitterness slams the door
• Where is there unresolved conflict that could be resolved? 
• Where is there lack of forgiveness that gospel grace could reconcile?
• "Married people turned bitter use their bodies as a weapon, a weapon that harms by withholding. A weapon used to punish the other person for sinning against us. This calls for forgiveness.” (165)

NO!

The warmth of infinite-debt paying, blood-bought reconciliation with God can melt the ice of bitterness!

There is GOSPEL grace for sloth, unbelief, & bitterness!

DEPEND! Is it not possible that "we have not because we ask not?!"

Talk about it:

• Which of the following might be the greatest challenge you face in regard to sexual intimacy right now—sloth, unbelief, or bitterness? How can you being to apply grace to overcome these personal hindrances? (from p57 in the Study Guide)
• What are some of the influences in your life that have shaped your view of romance and sex? How can you begin to weed their influence out of your life? (from p57 in the Study Guide)

• Ask your spouse whether he or she is aware of sloth, unbelief, or bitterness as a potential obstacle to a God-glorifying sex life.
• Confess any sin you need to confess
• Ask for forgiveness
• Talk about how to walk forward in reconciled dependence
• Pray together and ask for grace for your sex life!
• Talk about some ways men and women often view the issue of sex and romance differently. (Don’t be trite or sarcastic! These are gospel and glory-of-God issues!)
• How do these differences put pressure on or cause conflict or coldness in your marriage?
• What are some of the practical obstacles (like schedules and tiredness and kids, etc.) that you need to take into consideration and work around to cultivate healthy intimacy?
• Talk about some of the times when your physical intimacy has been its most healthy and enjoyable and think together about why.

This all takes work. But the fact that it can and must be worked at should encourage us. Good marital sex is not for the privileged few.

I’ve had the privilege of growing in the faith with some unusually gifted people, and I would say it’s the rare person for whom creative, romantic ideas come spontaneously. Most of the folks I know pursuing romance and intimacy in their marriages are spending time planning, asking questions, investigating what is romantic to their spouses and not assuming they know. As with any artistry, there are far more discarded ideas than masterpieces. But to get a masterpiece you must be willing to work at creativity. I’ll guarantee you this, if you see someone who is truly good at romancing his or her spouse, you probably won’t be looking at a natural. You’ll be looking at someone who works at creativity, and makes careful planning look effortless. That, my friends, is art worth pursuing.

Great sex in marriage comes from conscious dependence on the goodness and sovereignty of God, who is at work powerfully to make our marriages a source of spiritual and physical joy. (167)

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Heart Check

Talk of the devotion and delight in marital sex can really be a sore subject for many spouses. Sadly, there is probably more pain, shame, hurt, frustration, disappointment, and anger here than there is devotion, delight, gratitude, joy, and satisfaction.

Harvey wisely and sensitively acknowledges this:

I recognize that there will be some reading this who can’t imagine the kind of physical relationship Paul indicates. For you, intimacy with your spouse may be intertwined with a sense of apprehension, rejection, and shame. This is a real challenge in many marriages that cannot be simply overlooked. (157)

Many of us shut down when wounded, or withdraw when discouraged, or are tempted to manipulate our spouse by using the body as a bargaining tool. We can be tempted with “solo sex” through fantasy, pornography, and/or masturbation. (159-160)

I offer no trite or flippant "solutions." I only remind you that you are not alone (God is with you and you are in quite a vast company of those who have struggled), God is willing and God is able to give grace and help.

Which is why the last point is so important…

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Delight

Sex in marriage is an adventure of devotion. It’s also an adventure of delight.

     2. Delight

Do you delight in giving pleasure to your spouse?

Notice Paul doesn’t emphasize taking from our spouse our conjugal rights. By instead emphasizing the giving of these rights to one another, Paul locates the key for great sex as generosity. (159)

C.J. Mahaney said, “Indeed any married person who rightly sees these verses as commands from God will bring to the marriage bed a servant’s mindset that places the primary emphasis on the sexual satisfaction of his or her spouse.” This is part of what makes marriage delightful—the joy of living for someone beyond ourselves. (159)

When we think about sexual delight in marriage, we need to make sure our expectations are not unduly influenced by this world of unreal ideals and false promises.

Although delighting in sex should be the overflow of love in Christian marriages, not every encounter will be accompanied by fireworks or become a contender for your top-ten list of romantic moments. (161)

David Powlison says it even better:

Good sexual love is simply "normal." Sometimes the idealized view of good sex can sound overheated, even when we prize and protect marital sexuality. Sometimes we can give the idea that good sex (in both senses) is a gymnastic, ecstatic, romantic, athletic, electric, semi-psychotic, erotic, high-wire, bug-eyed, luxuriating, ravishing bliss of marital passion! Sorry to disillusion you. But much of good sex is just . . . well, normal, everyday. Think about it. Most people in the history of the world have lived in one-room huts, where the kids sleep in the same room with their parents! Countless families have lived in flats, with only curtains for room dividers, your mother-in-law in the far corner, your wife's younger brother sleeping on the couch. Or they've lived in tents, as nomads. Not much sound-proofing or major privacy operative in that housing arrangement! Not much in the way of gymnastics or sound effects is possible unless you have no children. That's not to say that a married couple with children shouldn't get away for a weekend, or close the door, or do things to make sex special. Nothing wrong with some high-wire encounters that bring a little extra spice. 

Think of the analogy with food, another of life's very redeemable pleasures. Occasionally you pull out the stops for a memorable feast with all the fixings. But in normal life, you eat a lot of healthy breakfasts. In the redemption of sex, lots of normal things flourish. How about courtesy? Basic kindness and patience? How about humor--pet names, teasing, irony, private jokes? Good sex is not that serious! How about mercy? How about a shower, shave, and being relaxed? How about a fundamental willingness to be available to another, simply to give. How about conversation? How about quiet, slow, leisurely time together? Basic love goes a long way towards making good sex good. It's great when the Richter Scale tops out at an earth-shattering 8.1. But in normalized good sex, you'll also enjoy 3.1 temblors that hardly rattle the teacups. 

Get your goals straight. It heightens the significance of your Savior. He alone restores you to practical love for God and to the practical love appropriate for each of your various kinds of neighbors. He alone makes daily life shine with visible glory.

(“Making All Things New: Restoring Pure Joy to the Sexually Broken” in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, pp. 103-104.)

Talk about it:

• Have you ever talked back and forth about what brings you pleasure (and what doesn’t)?
• Are you working to learn and study your spouse? What brings pleasure doesn’t have to be a mystery…or an exercise in mind-reading!
• (Men especially) Don’t ever ask or pressure your spouse to do something they are uncomfortable doing! Love is...kind...and does not insist on its own way (1 Cor. 13:4-5).

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Devotion

God is not afraid to look us in the eye and address sex head-on. We need to learn to do the same – with God, in the church, and in our marriages. Harvey does a good job of getting us started in chapter 9.

Key text: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Key Idea: Sex in marriage is an adventure in devotion, delight, and dependence.

First, an adventure in devotion – devotion to one another’s protection and one another’s rights.

1. Devotion

• Devotion to one another’s protection

1 Cor. 7:2

²           But because of the temptation to sexual immorality,

each man should have his own wife and

each woman her own husband.

For the Christian, sex in marriage is to be a God-installed defense against temptation. … Our spouse is our first line of defense to protect us from the calls of [this lust-driven, sex-crazed world]. (155)

Sex works invisibly but powerfully to diminish temptations to sexual immorality. We need to see that such moral protection is not just a pleasant byproduct of marital intimacy. It is a core reason for marital intimacy. (156)

Our strategy against temptation cannot simply be avoidance. You don’t just fight for your marriage by killing lust. You fight for your marriage by cultivating healthy growth in intimacy! Weed killing is necessary, but one of the best defenses against them is a healthy lawn. God is all for this. He commands this (see Prov. 5:15, 18, 19)! In fact, he looked us in the eye and put Song of Songs in the Bible for His glory and our good!

How comfortable are you talking about sex with your spouse? Harvey writes on page 154, “…there may be no area more thought about and less talked about in a marriage than sex.” That’s a problem that we need to address and remedy – for the glory of God and the good of our marriages. Maybe this chapter can help get you off the block!

• Devotion to one another's rights

1 Cor. 7:3

³           The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights,

and likewise the wife to her husband.

Why?

⁴           For the wife does not have authority over her own body,

but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,

but the wife does.

...marriage becomes an adventure by underscoring the other-centered nature of our union. Marriage means that our bodies are now claimed by God for the pleasure and service [e.g. protection] of another. Our connection is so comprehensive that God gives our spouse a claim over our body. It’s a remarkable picture of the actual scope of “the two becoming one flesh.” We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse. (157)

So…(application)

⁵           Do not deprive one another,

except perhaps by agreement

for a limited time,

that you may devote yourselves to prayer;

but then come together again,

so that Satan may not tempt you

because of your lack of self-control.

You’ve got to notice the language: It’s “give the other her/his rights” and “do not deprive;” it’s NOT, “Now I can play the “I own your body” card!”

Talk about it:

• How well do you and your spouse communicate about sex? You’ve GOT to work on this!
• Have you ever talked about issues of frequency and expectations?
• Have you ever talked about frustrations, distractions, discouragements?

WSSID Ch 8 - Stubborn Grace summary

Is grace like a Jane Austen plot?

Grace is often seen, wrongly, as playing a role much like that of romance in a Jane Austen plot. Grace gets us to the altar with God. It’s a mysterious, powerful force that draws us out of our sinful isolation and deposits us into sweet relationship with God through Christ. But once grace saves, the story’s over.

You come across this sometimes in salvation testimonies. Great detail is presented about sins committed as an unbeliever. This is followed by God’s miraculous intervention, deep joy in the new birth, and then—well, role the credits. Grace accomplishes the amazing, impossible task of delivering me safely to the altar of conversion, but then it rides off to save someone else, leaving me to fend for myself. Is that really the way it is? (137)

No! In fact, that perspective elicits some exclamation points of warning from the Apostle Paul.

See Galatians 3:1-6.

Grace is the daily power by which we change and grow and live. Grace is the fuel for our souls. Consider how the Apostle Paul describes the effect of grace on his life, recounted in 1 Corinthians 15:10.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain (or "without effect"). On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. (emphasis mine)

The Christian life is BY GRACE, through faith -- not just at the beginning, but from beginning to end.

Key Idea: Sanctifying grace is good news. It’s the news that God gives persistent grace to run the race.

Key Text: Titus 2:11-14

These verses carry good news! There is a glorious sequel to saving, justifying grace. The grace that justifies (declaring us holy in God’s sight) becomes the grace that sanctifies (making us ever more holy in daily life). It is a prevailing, unstoppable grace that doesn’t close up shop the day after the sinner’s prayer. It’s the power of God to help us overcome sin, and a potent weapon in the fierce struggles that accompany life after the honeymoon of conversion. Conversion, like a wedding, is hardly the end of the story—it’s just the beginning! (138)

This IS good news…

Think about the areas where you know you need to grow—the hair-trigger critical response, the self-pity party, the fermenting anger or discontent. God promises persistent grace to help you run away from the sin and finish well. “Human sin is stubborn,” says Cornelius Plantinga, “but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way.” Stubborn, persistent, unrelenting grace that changes us. Now that’s good news indeed. (139)

Finally, when we receive and seek this grace, we begin to export this grace (e.g. Eph. 4:29)! And exporting this precious commodity into the lives of others (like, say, your spouse) tends to have quite an effect.

WSSID Ch 8 - Stubborn Grace

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt V: Faithful Are The Wounds of a Friend

We’ve considered how to proceed when there is a need to do some spiritual surgery on your spouse. It’s challenging. We might cut too roughly or flinch in fear.

But what about when your spouse comes to you with scalpel in hand? That’s probably even more challenging. Are you ready for that moment?

One way to help your spouse in this process (especially if they err on the fear of (wo)man side!) is to proactively give permission to ask diagnostic questions and cut when necessary.

Marriages grow sour when spouses engage in surgery casually, carelessly, or without the informed consent of the patient. But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed. (123)

Have you/will you give your spouse permission?

Why not ask your spouse if there are any sinful patterns in your life that they have noticed? And be prepared to LISTEN. Don’t immediately get defensive if they answer your question.

If you think what you hear is exaggerated or you are tempted to defend yourself…listen, absorb, process, pray (remember: suspect yourself and inspect yourself). Thank your spouse for his/her courage and willingness to help you see your sin. Harvey makes a great point when he says that we should want correction, not just tolerate it (124).

Give my spouse permission to confront or correct me? Are you kidding? Have you ever heard of, "Give an inch...?!" 

Allow me to give just three reasons (these are really worth chewing on!):

1. Psalm 141:5 Let a righteous man strike me- it is a kindness; let him rebuke me- it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it. 
2. Proverbs 15:31-32 The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.
3. Proverbs 27:5-6 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Spiritual surgery is a ministry we need to prepare to give…and receive.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt IV: Spiritual Surgery 101

The metaphor of spiritual surgery is a helpful one when it comes to dealing lovingly with sin in our spouse.

Matthew Henry once said, “The three qualifications of a good surgeon are requisite in a reprover: He should have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand; in short, he should be endued with wisdom, courage, and meekness. 

This great Puritan had struck upon a wonderful metaphor. Reproof—the means by which a Nathan reaches into the soul of one trapped in sin to bring the ministry of reconciliation—is a lot like surgery. Both require care, wisdom, and precision, as well as a delicate and determined hand. (121)

Now, if and when you go in for spiritual surgery…

• Don’t assume you see everything with perfect clarity 
• Don’t just cut blindly. 
• Ask questions, don’t assume motives and make accusations. 
• Like every good surgeon, do some good diagnostics and testing.

Harvey gives us some good diagnostic questions on pages 124-126 (emphasis mine):

• Have I prayed for God’s wisdom and acknowledged my need for his help in serving my spouse?

o   In prayer we are reminded of our surgical limitations—we can operate, but we cannot heal; we can speak, but we cannot convict concerning sin. Only God can do that (John 16:8).

• Are my observations based upon patterns of behavior or merely a single incident?

• Am I content to address one area of concern, even if I’m aware of several?

o   The kids still need to be fed and the bills paid while we struggle through our brokenness. It can be discouragingly hard to focus on more than one area of growth at a time. A good surgeon keeps that in mind.

• Am I committed to making incisions no larger than absolutely necessary?

• Am I prepared to humbly offer an observation rather than an assumption or conclusion?

o   You and I will never have perfect insight into our spouse’s heart. … Thus, the most helpful surgery is often exploratory. Similarly, the most helpful reproof frequently comes in the form of open (not leading) questions, because questions create the dialogue that invites more penetrating observations.

• Is my goal to promote God’s truth or my preference?
  

Let's milk this surgery metaphor for all it's worth. Good surgeons don’t stop after the initial incision. They don't leave the patient open and bleeding on the table. They carry the procedure all the way through to completion, stitch you up when they're done, visit you in post-op, and have you come back in for follow-up!

A second kind of courage is also necessary for the spiritual surgeon. If the first kind is like the boldness needed to begin surgery—running a scalpel across sterilized flesh to open the first incision—the second kind of courage keeps you at work for as long as it takes to finish, and then keeps you caring and engaged through the recovery period as well. This is the courage that commits to staying involved in personal ministry well after we begin to speak.

So often, couples can treat confrontation like a hand grenade—pop the pin, let it fly, and run for cover.  But biblical reproof is not some kind of commando raid.  It’s careful, committed, surgical care for the soul.  A good surgeon is committed not only to the operation, but to post-operative care as well.  Why does this require courage?  Because God’s purpose for reproof is not to achieve a hassle-free marriage but to inspire repentance unto godliness.  And repentance and change, friends, simply takes time.  When sinners say “I do,” we must be committed to the entire process of helping each other grow in godliness through life. (127)

 I think we could learn a lesson or two.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt III: Begin By Looking In

We begin (again) by looking in.

Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Mt. 7:3-5)

“Didn’t we already cover this?”

Yes, but have we gotten it yet? Have we stopped feeling and speaking and acting like the real problems in our marriages are “out there” with him/her? Have we stopped being so blind to our own sin and contributions to our conflicts and stopped presuming we see our spouses sin and contributions so clearly?

We need to suspect and inspect.

We need to evaluate our motives.

We need to begin with our own logs. 

On page 119, Harvey gives us two reasons we must begin with our own logs:

First, dealing with our own sin helps us to “see clearly” (v. 5).  Removing my sin grants me the perspective and clarity that comes with humility.  It improves my discernment and clears away much of the debris obstructing my view.  We’ll never be able to see 20/20 in this life, but cutting away my own log lets me see through the lens of compassion and care rather than the searing eyes of judgment and self-righteousness.

Second, a little lumber work prepares me for the Savior’s ultimate goal.  Gaining perspective has a purpose: ministry to others, in this case, my spouse.  Self-examination alone cannot produce a sweet marriage, but only self-examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse.  My own logging efforts position me for speck-removal.

So, once again, we begin by looking in. But we don’t stop there. Matthew 7:3-5 does not stop at log-removal. It sets us up to see clearly when there is a need for spiritual surgery on our spouse.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt II: God Pursue - Through You

I love Harvey’s perspective on their encounter in 2 Samuel 12.

There are two amazing dynamics at work in [the story of Nathan’s confrontation of David]. First, God pursues sinners. God’s love is relentless. Even when we are blinded by sin, he refuses to let go. God pursues David with a tireless love. Second, God uses sinners to pursue sinners. Nathan, like David, was a man prone to the same temptations and failures as David. But God had given Nathan a ministry in that moment. He was a sinner called to help another sinner become reconciled to God. (116-117, emphasis mine)

It is a humble privilege and a sober responsibility to be a reconciliation-tool in the hand of our loving, sinner-pursuing God (see 2 Corinthians 5:17-21)! This is so important to have that orientation. We’ve always got to check our motives when we feel the need to confront someone about their sin. The glory of God, through loving rescue and reconciliation, is the goal. The goal is not winning an argument or gaining lost ground or proving your point or getting your way.

Harvey packs into this chapter a bunch of wisdom on why we pursue this ministry of reconciliation. The following quotes are worth reading with care. 

• Our love ought to follow the love of God in one point, namely, in always seeking to produce reconciliation. It was to this end that God sent his Son. (117, quoting C.H. Spurgeon, emphasis mine) 

• Interesting, isn’t it, how sinners who say “I do” exist in an ironic biblical tension?  We are called to be merciful and withhold judgment.  But we are also called to challenge one another—to correct, exhort, and speak truth to the one we love (Hebrews 3:12-13). This can seem like a paradox, even an apparent contradiction in our call. But it’s not. On the contrary, God has set us in our marriage, at this time, with this person so that we can perform an extraordinary task of ministry. We can fulfill the call of reconciliation—turning a wandering believer back to the God who saves. We can love by bringing truth in gracious ways; applying grace through speaking the truth. When we do this ministry, we not only fulfill the role of Nathan, we represent our Lord Jesus Christ, who came and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth (John 1:14). (120, emphasis mine)   

• I don’t want my spouse to be convinced by my earnestness, as if my good intentions could confer any power to change.  I want my loved one to turn to God in repentance, if he or she has indeed sinned.  I don’t want my words to make a spouse feel “caught” in sin, because I don’t want to create a temptation to be more concerned with fixing a problem than encountering God.  Confrontation is not a “gotcha”event.

I want my spouse to encounter the Holy Spirit, sent to convict the world of sin (John 16:8), and thus to experience the cleansing and faith-inspiring work of godly sorrow over sin.  This is what we see in David as the gravity of his sin begins to dawn on him.  “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13). (129, emphasis mine)

• Your spouse’s sin is not first about you, it may affect you, but the most important thing it reveals is your spouse’s relationship with God.  A meek spouse seeking to help the other will make that relationship with God the first priority.  He or she will recognize that the ultimate hope for change lies in a response toward God, not a capitulation to the spouse. (131, emphasis mine)

You may be convinced of the importance of this kind of spiritual surgery. Now, let’s look at how to do it.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt I: We All Need A Nathan

What do a prophet, a king, and a story about a ewe lamb have to do with marriage? Chapter 7 opens with the story of the prophet Nathan confronting King David about his sin with Bathsheba.

You can refresh your memory by first reading the story in 2 Samuel 12:1-14.

This chapter reminds us that

…when someone close to you is running from the truth, love demands that you speak. Sometimes love must risk peace for the sake of truth. (116)

Wisely, Harvey did not put this chapter first. He knows that we are natural-born finger-pointers and we can patrol for speck-crimes like a cop on the beat. Before we are ready to take up the scalpel and do spiritual surgery on our spouses, we’ve got to humbly submit ourselves to spiritual surgery. Chapters 1-6 helped us do that. They had us focus in on our own sin and up on our merciful God before we focus out on our spouse’s sin.

Others of us have a different problem. We don't feel like we ever have the right or the place to address another person's sin. We are painfully aware of how short we fall and feel like we would be hypocritical or arrogant to attempt to do so. Or, we think we might do more harm than good.

The skills we possess seem so inadequate, we wonder if it wouldn’t be less traumatic to the “patient” to do nothing at all. (121)

Truth be told, we also fear such encounters and like the path of least resistance. We don't want to upset the other person or deal with the potential fall-out from such a confrontation. In this case, we are governed by our fear of (wo)man.

Indeed, true biblical wisdom will often have a courageous edge to it, as we walk in faith, seeking to please God in all things. It might seem that life will be easier if we take the timid path of avoiding certain uncomfortable truths or winking at selected sins, but we always reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7-9). … If we avoid confrontation, we’ll just get confrontation anyway, because sin unaddressed is sin unconfined. In an attempt to preserve peace, we sow war. (126-127, emphasis mine)

So, we must know our tendencies – to attack or to avoid – and we must learn to walk the Christlike road of courageous care. Nathan walked that road. And we will need to walk it for our spouse. And our spouse will need to walk it for us.

Do you have a Nathan? Does your spouse have a better Nathan than you?

We all need a Nathan. We all need someone who can discern a slow drift or a rapid freefall from God, look us in the eye, and say, “You are the one.”

It is inevitable. In navigating through a fallen world with a sinful heart, from time to time your spouse will experience a pattern of sin that extinguishes joy and saps the soul, revealing dangerous corrosion in one’s character or relationship with God. Perhaps, just like David, your spouse will even be locked in denial and doing everything possible to hide the truth. Such sin cannot, must not, go unaddressed.

Look around. Who can play the Nathan role for your spouse? Who will take on the ministry of reconciliation? This needs to be someone appointed by God, close enough to see, and humble enough to be concerned more about God’s righteousness than about people’s opinions. There’s really only one likely candidate: You.

What will you do in those times when truth is absolutely necessary? What will you do when your spouse needs a Nathan? (117-118)

WSSID Ch 7 - The Surgeon, The Scalpel, and the Spouse in Sin

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt III: 3 Valves & Mercy's Flow

Harvey talks about how “forgiveness flows between us through a pipe having 3 valves. All three must be open for forgiveness to move from one person to another” (106). Here they are: 

1. Repent and request forgiveness

If you are the offended/sinned-against party, you can keep your valves open, even if the other person isn’t opening theirs. This kind of posture has been described as “dispositional forgiveness,” even if “transactional forgiveness” cannot yet take place. It means you are mercifully leaning in the direction of your spouse, wanting to forgive them, ready to forgive them, even if they have not yet been willing to repent and request your forgiveness.

Valves 2 and 3 are really two sides of the same coin. In relation to the person who’s sinned against you, you are extending mercy. In relation to your own heart and the cost of being sinned against, you are willing to absorb that cost.

2. Mercy

[This valve] releases the person who sinned from the liability of suffering punishment for that sin. To open this valve, the one sinned against must lay down the temptation to say along with the unforgiving servant, “Pay what you owe!” It shuts off the flow of bitterness by opening the flow of love. (107, emphasis mine)

How often we think, feel, or even say, “I’m not going to open this valve! I’m going to make you pay!” We give the silent treatment. We withdraw. We bring up past sin and use it like a weapon. We feel that “just” forgiving the other person for their sin is too easy. It doesn’t feel just! It’s doesn’t seem fair! All of this cuts off the flow of mercy. If we are out of touch with the flood of mercy that has and does flow our way from the cross, we will never let mercy flow in the direction of those who sin against us.

3. Absorb the cost 

Opening the third valve requires the willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. … Will the pain end with you or will you return it? … Will your heart attempt to force him to pay what he owes? Or will you follow the footsteps of the master and demonstrate a willingness to absorb the cost? (107)

Without the gospel, this is impossible. If the cost is absorbed without the power of the gospel, it turns into an ugly, prideful, self-righteous thing. “I’m going to pay this cost (sigh), even though you don’t deserve it. I’ll take the hit (puffed chest). I’ll pay the cost.” Or, it becomes a prideful, self-pitying thing. “(Sigh) I’ll be the martyr. I’ve already suffered so much (sagging shoulders). I’m used to it. I’ll absorb the cost…again.”

With the gospel, this is possible…and beautiful. It is a reflection of our Savior’s mercy. And it is empowered by our Savior’s mercy.

There is no room for pride. We are just as guilty. And we’ve been forgiven our 10,000 talent debt!

There is no reason for self-pity. We are not the one ultimately absorbing the cost. Jesus did that on the cross. We are saying “Amen” to the “It is finished!” that he triumphantly declared on the cross! We are ultimately paying the cost of that sin. We are acknowledging and echoing the fact that Jesus already paid the cost of that sin! We are saying that the cross was enough! We are refusing to act toward this person as if the cross was insufficient! We are refusing to say with our response that this person needs the cross + a little relational penance in order to be forgiven.

This is not dismissing the sin against us by saying, “It’s okay.” No, it is not okay! Jesus had to die for it! But he did die for it! And that death is sufficient to pay the debt of that sin against us. We have no right to exact our own payment in addition. We have no reason to protest, “Where’s the justice?!” Justice was served (FOR YOUR 10,000 TALENTS as well as this 100 denarii that is bugging you) on a little hill outside of Jerusalem.

The question is, “Are you going to say ‘Amen’ to John 19:30?”

Or, are you going to say that the cross isn’t quite enough – that they need to add about another 100 denarii worth of payment before you’ll be willing to forgive them?

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matthew 18:35, ESV)

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt II: Forgiveness Is Costly

Harvey quotes Ken Sande on page 108 regarding the costliness of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability that someone else deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of that person’s sins and you release that person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary.

In Matthew 18:28, the forgiven-his-10,000-talent-debt servant is owed 100 denarii by his fellow servant. Don’t think 100 denarii was just pocket change! It was significant! A day laborer (i.e. blue collar worker) was paid approximately a denarii a day for his work. So 100 denarii was the equivalent to 3+ months of wages!

How do you forgive that kind of a debt? 

Harvey’s chapter contains the story of Jeremy and Cindy. Jeremy committed adultery, but was broken by God’s grace and repented. He sought Cindy’s forgiveness. If you were Cindy (if you are a man, turn the tables and imagine your wife committing adultery and then repenting and genuinely seeking your forgiveness), how could you forgive that kind of a debt against you?

It was most certainly a long and intensely difficult process, but Cindy was in fact empowered to forgive Jeremy. How did it happen?

She states repeatedly that it was the preaching of the gospel that enabled her to forgive Jeremy. It was the gospel that got her eyes off of Jeremy's sin and onto her 10,000 talent debt owed to God. She heard it and heard it and began to really get the degree of her debt. She then subsequently began to grasp the greatness of the riches of the mercy lavished on her in Christ to forgive great debt.

By God’s grace, these realities began to appear in “actual size” to her. And without excusing or condoning or minimizing the debt of Jeremy’s sin against her, the gospel gave her eyes to see his sin in “actual size” as well. And the mercy and forgiveness flowed and God worked an amazing work of reconciliation between them.

If we don't have our eyes open to the actual size of our debt, then a different response is typical. Harvey explains it well on pp 107-108:

A natural response to our spouse’s sin is pure Matthew 18:28—pay what you owe me, and do it now. Our emotional reaction is not always a spiritual response, even if it “feels right.” We fear God’s methods don’t work. The biblical response—the idea of completely, forthrightly, and permanently forgiving a spouse and releasing him or her from all liability—can seem not only impossibly difficult but less than fully just.

In the end, the most common outcome is some wishy-washy middle ground—neither the sinful tantrum of demanding satisfaction or the godly extension of true forgiveness. It may be the inch-deep, “Oh, it’s okay,” that tries to pretend nothing ever happened. Perhaps it’s the quick, “Or course, I forgive you” (while implying “as long as you never do anything like that again!”). Or course, we may instead simply refuse to forgive, holding our spouse’s sin over the head like an old arrest warrant that could be prosecuted at any moment—what the Bible calls bitterness. (emphasis mine)

Instead of these all-too-typical responses, Harvey points to the biblical response of true forgiveness:

But true forgiveness sees another’s sin for the evil that it is, addresses it, then absorbs the cost of that sin by the power of God’s abundant grace. Such forgiveness sets the sinner free; the account of the sin is closed, cancelled, blotted out, just as we see in Matthew 18.

 We'll unpack this path of true forgiveness a bit in the next post.

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt I: Matt. 18 For Marriage (& every other relationship)

Key Idea: Forgiven sinners forgive sin.

When we have been sinned against and must forgive, it's not always easy. Where do we find the power to extend the mercy of forgiveness?

Key text: Matthew 18:21-35

This text is oh-so important for marriage (and all the rest of our relationships)! Make sure you don’t miss the conclusion in verse 35:

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

If we refuse to forgive our spouse from our heart (or others who request our forgiveness), what does that mean?

In case this throws you—if it seems to suggest that God is unmerciful to his own children—let me emphasize the driving truth of this parable. Extending true forgiveness is clear and persuasive evidence that we have been forgiven by God. The bottom line is that forgiven sinners forgive sin. (100)

If you refuse to forgive someone (from your heart!) who has sought your forgiveness, you need to ask yourself, “Would I want my heavenly Father to deal with me and my sins as I am dealing with this other person who has sinned against me?”

Listen to Harvey’s wise words:

…we do not truly grasp the good news of Jesus Christ in the gospel until we see that our sin against a holy God is a far greater injustice than anything that could be done to us. (103)

Do you believe that? 

Harvey tests our belief with this statement: 

My petty indifference to my wife (or husband) is sufficient to warrant the full wrath of a holy God and required the blood of my Savior to take it away. (103)

Do you realize that the amount or degree of your sin before God is always greater than the amount or degree of someone else’s sin against you? Harvey points out why on pages 103-104:

[The] status of the one sinned against is key…. [As] one of the Puritans prayed, “Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed, as in the greatness of the Person sinned against.” The “size” of a sin is not ultimately determined by the sin itself, but by the one who is sinned against. Sin is infinitely wicked because it rejects the one who is infinitely holy and good.

If you live life in light of the gospel, if you live life honestly aware of your 10,000 talent-like debt of sin, if you live life looking up toward your holy and merciful Savior who said, “It is finished!” on the cross, then the sin of others will always be small and peripheral in comparison.

If that (i.e. “10,000 talent” forgiveness) is the measure of the forgiveness the disciple has received, any limitation on the forgiveness he shows to his brother is unthinkable.” (Harvey quoting Matthew Henry, 104)

If, on the other hand, you live life with your eyes focused on the sin of others against you, then the greatness of your sin and the greatness of God’s mercy to forgive the greatness of your sin’s debt will be peripheral at best. And when the greatness of your sin and the greatness of God’s mercy are peripheral, and the sin of others is central, then you will choke others for payment rather than mercifully forgive.

If we really get this…we will be empowered to forgive others. And we do need power to forgive! Because forgiveness is costly.

WSSID Ch 6 - “Forgiveness Full and Free” - video

We took two weeks to work through chapter 6 of When Sinners Say I Do with the "6:12@6" men. I'll try to summarize the content of the chapter, along with some of my own thoughts, in the following three posts. If you want a brief introduction to the content of the chapter, Dave Harvey provides it in this video.

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt VI

Okay, one last post on chapter 5. This one is all about one of mercy's arch-enemies. He rears his ugly head more than we realize. And we need to learn to take him out.

Mercy and Self-Righteousness

Have you ever heard any of these statements slipping past your lips?

            “I can’t believe you did that!”

            “I don’t deserve this.”

            “I’ve got a right to be angry.”

            “Why aren’t you serious about change?”

…[these statements are] leaking the hot oil of self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people’s sinfulness. We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit. Self-righteousness wages war against mercy.

… How we respond when we think we’ve been sinned against can reveal self-righteousness. Perhaps the easiest and most common reaction is to assign ourselves as judge, prosecutor, court recorder, and jury. Not surprisingly, these tend to be pretty open-and-shut cases. We begin by mentally assigning a motive to the crime of our defendant-spouse. In a flash of mere moments we usher in the internal jury, present the case, and instantly get back a most unsurprising verdict: “Guilty.” Of the actual defendant no questions have been asked, no opportunity for testimony has been given, and no review of the circumstances provided. (91, emphasis mine)

How do we battle against this inner prosecutor rearing his ugly head? Harvey gives us some questions to ask ourselves (on pp 91-92):

• Am I self-confident that I see the supposed “facts” clearly?
• Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I’ve been wronged?
• Do I find it easy to build a case…that makes me seem right and him/her seem wrong?
• Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right? Or do I ask impartial questions—the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome?
• Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something?
• Am I able to dismiss questions like these as irrelevant?

 Then he adds this little gem of a thought: 

Self-righteousness doesn’t just show up when people sin against us. It also expresses itself when we encounter the weaknesses of others. (ouch!)

… Weaknesses in our spouse can tempt us—they’re inconvenient and frustrating to what we want from our marriage. How do I respond when that particular weakness in my spouse arises again. Do I just keep insisting (aloud or silently), “I don’t see how that can possibly be a problem for you!” This is a particularly sad expression of self-righteousness. Rather than sympathizing with the weaknesses or limitations of others, we act in condescending and demanding ways. We are finely attuned to the weaknesses of others but slow to see our own. (92, emphasis mine)

Does your spouse have physical issues or ailments or limitations that bug you?

Is your spouse not organized enough for you?

Is he/she too forgetful for your tastes?

Do the weaknesses of your spouse drive you nuts?

Good thing Jesus doesn’t deal with you and your weaknesses like you deal with your spouse and his/her weaknesses! Aren't you glad he's not like you! Be reminded of how he is: 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

And then ask yourself (better yet, actually ask your spouse!):

Would your spouse say you sympathize with weakness? That you extend to him or her the mercy Christ has lavished on you in light of your weaknesses? Or do you sit in judgment?

The good news for self-righteous, judgmental people (all of us from time to time) is that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13). When I grasp the mercy of God expressed to me, it opens my eyes to the bankruptcy of my own righteousness and sends me to the cross for the righteousness of Christ. I can then sympathize with my spouse’s weaknesses and rejoice in my own, for they reveal God’s strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). As John Stott has said, “God’s power operates best in human weakness. Weakness is the arena in which God can most effectively manifest his power. (93)

A few concluding application questions:

• How aware do you live of God’s mercy toward you?
• How can you grow in that awareness…and live life in that awareness?

(And a few from the WSSID Study Guide):

• Complete the following and share it with your spouse: One thing about the gospel that best helps me to not respond sinfully toward you in a situation is…
• Describe a way you have seen mercy expressed in your marriage. (Share it with your spouse and thank them for it!)
• What are some ways you can express kindness in your marriage?