WSSID Ch 7 - Pt V: Faithful Are The Wounds of a Friend

We’ve considered how to proceed when there is a need to do some spiritual surgery on your spouse. It’s challenging. We might cut too roughly or flinch in fear.

But what about when your spouse comes to you with scalpel in hand? That’s probably even more challenging. Are you ready for that moment?

One way to help your spouse in this process (especially if they err on the fear of (wo)man side!) is to proactively give permission to ask diagnostic questions and cut when necessary.

Marriages grow sour when spouses engage in surgery casually, carelessly, or without the informed consent of the patient. But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed. (123)

Have you/will you give your spouse permission?

Why not ask your spouse if there are any sinful patterns in your life that they have noticed? And be prepared to LISTEN. Don’t immediately get defensive if they answer your question.

If you think what you hear is exaggerated or you are tempted to defend yourself…listen, absorb, process, pray (remember: suspect yourself and inspect yourself). Thank your spouse for his/her courage and willingness to help you see your sin. Harvey makes a great point when he says that we should want correction, not just tolerate it (124).

Give my spouse permission to confront or correct me? Are you kidding? Have you ever heard of, "Give an inch...?!" 

Allow me to give just three reasons (these are really worth chewing on!):

1. Psalm 141:5 Let a righteous man strike me- it is a kindness; let him rebuke me- it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it. 
2. Proverbs 15:31-32 The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.
3. Proverbs 27:5-6 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Spiritual surgery is a ministry we need to prepare to give…and receive.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt IV: Spiritual Surgery 101

The metaphor of spiritual surgery is a helpful one when it comes to dealing lovingly with sin in our spouse.

Matthew Henry once said, “The three qualifications of a good surgeon are requisite in a reprover: He should have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand; in short, he should be endued with wisdom, courage, and meekness. 

This great Puritan had struck upon a wonderful metaphor. Reproof—the means by which a Nathan reaches into the soul of one trapped in sin to bring the ministry of reconciliation—is a lot like surgery. Both require care, wisdom, and precision, as well as a delicate and determined hand. (121)

Now, if and when you go in for spiritual surgery…

• Don’t assume you see everything with perfect clarity 
• Don’t just cut blindly. 
• Ask questions, don’t assume motives and make accusations. 
• Like every good surgeon, do some good diagnostics and testing.

Harvey gives us some good diagnostic questions on pages 124-126 (emphasis mine):

• Have I prayed for God’s wisdom and acknowledged my need for his help in serving my spouse?

o   In prayer we are reminded of our surgical limitations—we can operate, but we cannot heal; we can speak, but we cannot convict concerning sin. Only God can do that (John 16:8).

• Are my observations based upon patterns of behavior or merely a single incident?

• Am I content to address one area of concern, even if I’m aware of several?

o   The kids still need to be fed and the bills paid while we struggle through our brokenness. It can be discouragingly hard to focus on more than one area of growth at a time. A good surgeon keeps that in mind.

• Am I committed to making incisions no larger than absolutely necessary?

• Am I prepared to humbly offer an observation rather than an assumption or conclusion?

o   You and I will never have perfect insight into our spouse’s heart. … Thus, the most helpful surgery is often exploratory. Similarly, the most helpful reproof frequently comes in the form of open (not leading) questions, because questions create the dialogue that invites more penetrating observations.

• Is my goal to promote God’s truth or my preference?
  

Let's milk this surgery metaphor for all it's worth. Good surgeons don’t stop after the initial incision. They don't leave the patient open and bleeding on the table. They carry the procedure all the way through to completion, stitch you up when they're done, visit you in post-op, and have you come back in for follow-up!

A second kind of courage is also necessary for the spiritual surgeon. If the first kind is like the boldness needed to begin surgery—running a scalpel across sterilized flesh to open the first incision—the second kind of courage keeps you at work for as long as it takes to finish, and then keeps you caring and engaged through the recovery period as well. This is the courage that commits to staying involved in personal ministry well after we begin to speak.

So often, couples can treat confrontation like a hand grenade—pop the pin, let it fly, and run for cover.  But biblical reproof is not some kind of commando raid.  It’s careful, committed, surgical care for the soul.  A good surgeon is committed not only to the operation, but to post-operative care as well.  Why does this require courage?  Because God’s purpose for reproof is not to achieve a hassle-free marriage but to inspire repentance unto godliness.  And repentance and change, friends, simply takes time.  When sinners say “I do,” we must be committed to the entire process of helping each other grow in godliness through life. (127)

 I think we could learn a lesson or two.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt III: Begin By Looking In

We begin (again) by looking in.

Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Mt. 7:3-5)

“Didn’t we already cover this?”

Yes, but have we gotten it yet? Have we stopped feeling and speaking and acting like the real problems in our marriages are “out there” with him/her? Have we stopped being so blind to our own sin and contributions to our conflicts and stopped presuming we see our spouses sin and contributions so clearly?

We need to suspect and inspect.

We need to evaluate our motives.

We need to begin with our own logs. 

On page 119, Harvey gives us two reasons we must begin with our own logs:

First, dealing with our own sin helps us to “see clearly” (v. 5).  Removing my sin grants me the perspective and clarity that comes with humility.  It improves my discernment and clears away much of the debris obstructing my view.  We’ll never be able to see 20/20 in this life, but cutting away my own log lets me see through the lens of compassion and care rather than the searing eyes of judgment and self-righteousness.

Second, a little lumber work prepares me for the Savior’s ultimate goal.  Gaining perspective has a purpose: ministry to others, in this case, my spouse.  Self-examination alone cannot produce a sweet marriage, but only self-examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse.  My own logging efforts position me for speck-removal.

So, once again, we begin by looking in. But we don’t stop there. Matthew 7:3-5 does not stop at log-removal. It sets us up to see clearly when there is a need for spiritual surgery on our spouse.