Listen to Harvey:
This may be a shocker, but we should be suspicious…selectively, permanently, and internally. As the worst of sinners, in the day-to-day conflicts of marriage, I should be primarily suspicious and regularly suspicious of myself! To be suspicious of my own heart is to acknowledge two things: that my heart has a central role in my behavior, and that my heart has a permanent tendency to oppose God and his ways.
This is an area where you have to train yourself. The humility of a healthy self-suspicion definitely does not come naturally. (64)
Think back to your last conflict. Were you at all manipulative or evasive? Did you ever blameshift or deflect? Did you minimize or exaggerate at any point?
Do you think there’s reason to have a healthy degree of suspicion of your own heart? Of course we should. And this should not surprise us.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)
Who can discern his errors? … Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:12-14, ESV)
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24, ESV)
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2, ESV)
Can you imagine what would happen in our marriages (seriously, take a second and just imagine) if, when conflict started to brew and break out, husbands and wives humbly started down this road together. The blood-bought peace of the Prince of Peace just might rule in our hearts and in our homes.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13-18, ESV, emphasis mine)
Harvey, like a master traffic cop, leads us through the intersection of road #1 onto road #2 when he says:
Wisdom connects integrity to humility in a pretty simple way. If you suspect yourself (humility), you are more likely to inspect yourself first (integrity). (67)