WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Dependence

Sex is marriage an adventure of devotion, delight, and finally, dependence.

     3. Dependence

Sex is part of ordinary married life. Just as we need grace for every other aspect of ordinary life, we need grace for our “sex life.” Given all the challenges and obstacles and “issues” that make healthy, happy, holy marital intimacy more an exception than the norm, you’d think we’d be really dependent and prayerful here!

What kinds of things typically get in the way?

Certainly there are circumstantial and even physical obstacles that often get in the way. But the greatest obstacles flow from our sinful hearts. Harvey looks at three common sins that can rob sweetness from the sexual relationship in marriage (on 163ff).

What might happen if we humbly depend on Gospel grace to overcome these obstacles?

• Sloth

The sin of sloth may go by other names and take various forms:

• Indifference
• Passivity
• Unresponsiveness
• Letting your appearance go
• Boredom (and lazily doing nothing about it)
• Settling for things as they are (after all, "they'll never change")

NO!
DEPEND on God for energy and strength and grace!

• Unbelief

• “It’ll never change!"
• “I can’t ever please him/her."
• “She’ll/He’ll never…”

No!

Do you really believe that this one is beyond God’s reach?!

Do you really believe God can’t help / doesn’t want to help?!

DEPEND on God for intervention and change and grace!

• Bitterness

• Unbelief says, “I/God can’t” – Bitterness says, “I/God won’t!”
• Unbelief leans away from God’s promises; bitterness slams the door
• Where is there unresolved conflict that could be resolved? 
• Where is there lack of forgiveness that gospel grace could reconcile?
• "Married people turned bitter use their bodies as a weapon, a weapon that harms by withholding. A weapon used to punish the other person for sinning against us. This calls for forgiveness.” (165)

NO!

The warmth of infinite-debt paying, blood-bought reconciliation with God can melt the ice of bitterness!

There is GOSPEL grace for sloth, unbelief, & bitterness!

DEPEND! Is it not possible that "we have not because we ask not?!"

Talk about it:

• Which of the following might be the greatest challenge you face in regard to sexual intimacy right now—sloth, unbelief, or bitterness? How can you being to apply grace to overcome these personal hindrances? (from p57 in the Study Guide)
• What are some of the influences in your life that have shaped your view of romance and sex? How can you begin to weed their influence out of your life? (from p57 in the Study Guide)

• Ask your spouse whether he or she is aware of sloth, unbelief, or bitterness as a potential obstacle to a God-glorifying sex life.
• Confess any sin you need to confess
• Ask for forgiveness
• Talk about how to walk forward in reconciled dependence
• Pray together and ask for grace for your sex life!
• Talk about some ways men and women often view the issue of sex and romance differently. (Don’t be trite or sarcastic! These are gospel and glory-of-God issues!)
• How do these differences put pressure on or cause conflict or coldness in your marriage?
• What are some of the practical obstacles (like schedules and tiredness and kids, etc.) that you need to take into consideration and work around to cultivate healthy intimacy?
• Talk about some of the times when your physical intimacy has been its most healthy and enjoyable and think together about why.

This all takes work. But the fact that it can and must be worked at should encourage us. Good marital sex is not for the privileged few.

I’ve had the privilege of growing in the faith with some unusually gifted people, and I would say it’s the rare person for whom creative, romantic ideas come spontaneously. Most of the folks I know pursuing romance and intimacy in their marriages are spending time planning, asking questions, investigating what is romantic to their spouses and not assuming they know. As with any artistry, there are far more discarded ideas than masterpieces. But to get a masterpiece you must be willing to work at creativity. I’ll guarantee you this, if you see someone who is truly good at romancing his or her spouse, you probably won’t be looking at a natural. You’ll be looking at someone who works at creativity, and makes careful planning look effortless. That, my friends, is art worth pursuing.

Great sex in marriage comes from conscious dependence on the goodness and sovereignty of God, who is at work powerfully to make our marriages a source of spiritual and physical joy. (167)

When Sinners Say I Do – Chapter 2 – “Waking Up With the Worst of Sinners”

Key Idea: Until sin be bitter, marriage may not be sweet. (38)

“Til sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet.” (Thomas Watson, quoted on p16)

When sin is bitter, then Christ becomes sweet. When Christ is sweet, marriage will inevitably be sweetened.

Too many think lightly of sin, and therefore think lightly of the Savior. He who has stood before his God, convicted and condemned, with the rope about his neck, is the man to weep for joy when he is pardoned, to hate the evil which has been forgiven him, and to live to the honour of the Redeemer by whose blood he has been cleansed. (Spurgeon, quoted on p38)

Key Passage: 1 Timothy 1:15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. (see next post for a quick qualification)

With the passing of each day, two things grew larger for Paul: his sinfulness in light of the holiness of God, and God’s mercy in the face of his sin. (36)

In any conflict, I must first look in and stop buying the lie that the problem is always “out there” in my/our circumstances – like finances or health or kids, or “out there” in my spouse – like when I say (or think), “if only s/he would (or wouldn’t)…” or “S/he’s the real problem in this marriage!”

Harvey gives the illustration of Rob and Sally, whose issues are typical of many marriages:

Rob and Sally have been Christians for a long time. Like many couples, they have each adopted certain assumptions about how the other should behave, and they each feel they have certain needs that they think the other should meet. And although they attend church and live conscientious Christian lives, Rob and Sally are experiencing serious marital conflict. …

Here are just a couple of examples. Rob says he needs respect, but all he seems to get are Sally’s critical comments each evening when he comes home from work. Sally says she needs Rob to reach out to her and provide her a greater sense of security in their marriage, but all she seems to get is Rob’s passivity day after day. … The problems emerge when, several times a week, they rehearse each other’s failures, reiterate their demands for change, and repeat (with slight variations) the kind of hurtful remarks they’ve been tossing back and forth for months. Curiously—and tragically—Rob and Sally both feel vindicated by many of the marriage books they’ve read, books which feed their sense of justice denied and seem to legitimize the needs they feel so deeply. (39, emphasis mine)

What does the cross have to say to these sinners who’ve said “I do” (and the rest of us)?

The cross makes a stunning statement about husbands and wives: we are sinners and our only hope is grace. Without a clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts outside of the biblical story—the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross—thus eliminating any basis for true understanding, true reconciliation, or true change. Without the gospel of our crucified and risen Savior our marriages slide toward the superficial. We begin to make limp justifications for our sinful behavior, and our marriage conflicts end, at best, in uneasy, partial, negotiated settlements.

But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15-16 trustworthy—once I can embrace it with full acceptance—once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me.” (40-41, emphasis mine)

Harvey then goes on to make it clear that all our sin – even though it is so often played out on the horizontal plane of our relationships – is against God. All sin is vertical.

The big deal is that my sin is not first against me or my marriage. All sin is first against God. And that changes everything. (41)

To accept the designation of “sinner” is to acknowledge who I am in relation to God. It also says who I am not: I am not a neutral actor. (41)

When I speak a critical, unkind word to Kimm in front of our children, my sin is to some degree against the children. Obviously, it is to a much stronger degree against Kimm. What I need to see, however, is that this sin is most strongly, and therefore primarily, against God! And that is something it has in common with every other sin that has ever been or ever will be committed. Every sin, however small or great its apparent impact on people, violates the purity of the perfectly just and holy God. Sin is always aimed first and foremost at God (Dt. 9:16; 1Sam. 15:24; Ps. 51:4). (41-42)

See also Jer. 2:11-13 to ponder the real evil of our sin.

Therefore, if all our sin is ultimately and primarily against God…and if (from last week),

Marriage is not first about me or my spouse. Obviously, the man and woman are essential, but they are also secondary. God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory. (25)

THEN…we must ask ourselves why we do what we do in our marriages.

• Why do you confront sin in your spouse?

o   To gain the moral high ground?

o   To get back at your spouse for times s/he’s embarrassed you or been critical?

o   To shift the spotlight from your failures to hers/his?

o   Or, for the glory of God and the good of your spouse? (Oh, how easy it is to whitewash our selfish agendas with these words!) 

• Why do you encourage (flatter?) your spouse?

o   To butter him/her up? Is it ever a set up for your real agenda?

o   To manipulate in order to get what you want?

o   To soften the blow or bad news you’re about to deliver?

o   Or, to give thanks to God and point out to your spouse his gracious work in your spouse?

• Why do you pursue resolution (or give up) in conflict?

o   To win or prove your point?

o   To just “get it over with” so you can watch Sports Center or “get some sleep?”

o   To get her/him off your back?

o   Or, because it is the gracious reflex of being reconciled to God by the Prince of Peace?

Harvey recounts this helpful example from his own marriage:

Several years ago I became aware of a subtle, destructive habit. Whenever I sensed I had sinned against Kimm I would go to her, confess, and seek to resolve the situation. Looks pretty good when I put it that way, doesn’t it? But I came to realize that my goal was far from noble. I wanted a quick and efficient restoration of our relationship so I could stop feeling bad and get on with “more important things.” In other words, the confession was basically a tool I was employing for my own sake. No wonder, then, that I was often left with a shallow haunting feeling that I now believe was the kind prompting of the Holy Spirit.

After a time of prayer, I recognized that God had been surprisingly forgotten in my words of apology to Kimm. I saw that I had been almost completely unconcerned with the fact that my sin had been first against God, and that I stood guilty before his infinite holiness. I had regarded my sins as errors, or at worst, as “little sins” that required little consideration of my heart. My real goal was simply a kind of marital damage control, not an honest accounting before my Heavenly Father. But by God’s grace I began to see, as J.I. Packer says so well, “There can be no small sins against a great God.” (42, emphasis mine)

All this is pretty humbling stuff. But don’t forget what God promises to the humble:

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (see 1 Pet. 5:5-7; James 4:1-10; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:1-2)

That blood-bought grace is the most powerful marriage-sweetener on the market! When sin becomes bitter, Christ will become sweet...and so will our marriages.