WSSID Ch 6 - Pt III: 3 Valves & Mercy's Flow

Harvey talks about how “forgiveness flows between us through a pipe having 3 valves. All three must be open for forgiveness to move from one person to another” (106). Here they are: 

1. Repent and request forgiveness

If you are the offended/sinned-against party, you can keep your valves open, even if the other person isn’t opening theirs. This kind of posture has been described as “dispositional forgiveness,” even if “transactional forgiveness” cannot yet take place. It means you are mercifully leaning in the direction of your spouse, wanting to forgive them, ready to forgive them, even if they have not yet been willing to repent and request your forgiveness.

Valves 2 and 3 are really two sides of the same coin. In relation to the person who’s sinned against you, you are extending mercy. In relation to your own heart and the cost of being sinned against, you are willing to absorb that cost.

2. Mercy

[This valve] releases the person who sinned from the liability of suffering punishment for that sin. To open this valve, the one sinned against must lay down the temptation to say along with the unforgiving servant, “Pay what you owe!” It shuts off the flow of bitterness by opening the flow of love. (107, emphasis mine)

How often we think, feel, or even say, “I’m not going to open this valve! I’m going to make you pay!” We give the silent treatment. We withdraw. We bring up past sin and use it like a weapon. We feel that “just” forgiving the other person for their sin is too easy. It doesn’t feel just! It’s doesn’t seem fair! All of this cuts off the flow of mercy. If we are out of touch with the flood of mercy that has and does flow our way from the cross, we will never let mercy flow in the direction of those who sin against us.

3. Absorb the cost 

Opening the third valve requires the willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. … Will the pain end with you or will you return it? … Will your heart attempt to force him to pay what he owes? Or will you follow the footsteps of the master and demonstrate a willingness to absorb the cost? (107)

Without the gospel, this is impossible. If the cost is absorbed without the power of the gospel, it turns into an ugly, prideful, self-righteous thing. “I’m going to pay this cost (sigh), even though you don’t deserve it. I’ll take the hit (puffed chest). I’ll pay the cost.” Or, it becomes a prideful, self-pitying thing. “(Sigh) I’ll be the martyr. I’ve already suffered so much (sagging shoulders). I’m used to it. I’ll absorb the cost…again.”

With the gospel, this is possible…and beautiful. It is a reflection of our Savior’s mercy. And it is empowered by our Savior’s mercy.

There is no room for pride. We are just as guilty. And we’ve been forgiven our 10,000 talent debt!

There is no reason for self-pity. We are not the one ultimately absorbing the cost. Jesus did that on the cross. We are saying “Amen” to the “It is finished!” that he triumphantly declared on the cross! We are ultimately paying the cost of that sin. We are acknowledging and echoing the fact that Jesus already paid the cost of that sin! We are saying that the cross was enough! We are refusing to act toward this person as if the cross was insufficient! We are refusing to say with our response that this person needs the cross + a little relational penance in order to be forgiven.

This is not dismissing the sin against us by saying, “It’s okay.” No, it is not okay! Jesus had to die for it! But he did die for it! And that death is sufficient to pay the debt of that sin against us. We have no right to exact our own payment in addition. We have no reason to protest, “Where’s the justice?!” Justice was served (FOR YOUR 10,000 TALENTS as well as this 100 denarii that is bugging you) on a little hill outside of Jerusalem.

The question is, “Are you going to say ‘Amen’ to John 19:30?”

Or, are you going to say that the cross isn’t quite enough – that they need to add about another 100 denarii worth of payment before you’ll be willing to forgive them?

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matthew 18:35, ESV)

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt II: Forgiveness Is Costly

Harvey quotes Ken Sande on page 108 regarding the costliness of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability that someone else deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of that person’s sins and you release that person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary.

In Matthew 18:28, the forgiven-his-10,000-talent-debt servant is owed 100 denarii by his fellow servant. Don’t think 100 denarii was just pocket change! It was significant! A day laborer (i.e. blue collar worker) was paid approximately a denarii a day for his work. So 100 denarii was the equivalent to 3+ months of wages!

How do you forgive that kind of a debt? 

Harvey’s chapter contains the story of Jeremy and Cindy. Jeremy committed adultery, but was broken by God’s grace and repented. He sought Cindy’s forgiveness. If you were Cindy (if you are a man, turn the tables and imagine your wife committing adultery and then repenting and genuinely seeking your forgiveness), how could you forgive that kind of a debt against you?

It was most certainly a long and intensely difficult process, but Cindy was in fact empowered to forgive Jeremy. How did it happen?

She states repeatedly that it was the preaching of the gospel that enabled her to forgive Jeremy. It was the gospel that got her eyes off of Jeremy's sin and onto her 10,000 talent debt owed to God. She heard it and heard it and began to really get the degree of her debt. She then subsequently began to grasp the greatness of the riches of the mercy lavished on her in Christ to forgive great debt.

By God’s grace, these realities began to appear in “actual size” to her. And without excusing or condoning or minimizing the debt of Jeremy’s sin against her, the gospel gave her eyes to see his sin in “actual size” as well. And the mercy and forgiveness flowed and God worked an amazing work of reconciliation between them.

If we don't have our eyes open to the actual size of our debt, then a different response is typical. Harvey explains it well on pp 107-108:

A natural response to our spouse’s sin is pure Matthew 18:28—pay what you owe me, and do it now. Our emotional reaction is not always a spiritual response, even if it “feels right.” We fear God’s methods don’t work. The biblical response—the idea of completely, forthrightly, and permanently forgiving a spouse and releasing him or her from all liability—can seem not only impossibly difficult but less than fully just.

In the end, the most common outcome is some wishy-washy middle ground—neither the sinful tantrum of demanding satisfaction or the godly extension of true forgiveness. It may be the inch-deep, “Oh, it’s okay,” that tries to pretend nothing ever happened. Perhaps it’s the quick, “Or course, I forgive you” (while implying “as long as you never do anything like that again!”). Or course, we may instead simply refuse to forgive, holding our spouse’s sin over the head like an old arrest warrant that could be prosecuted at any moment—what the Bible calls bitterness. (emphasis mine)

Instead of these all-too-typical responses, Harvey points to the biblical response of true forgiveness:

But true forgiveness sees another’s sin for the evil that it is, addresses it, then absorbs the cost of that sin by the power of God’s abundant grace. Such forgiveness sets the sinner free; the account of the sin is closed, cancelled, blotted out, just as we see in Matthew 18.

 We'll unpack this path of true forgiveness a bit in the next post.

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt I: Matt. 18 For Marriage (& every other relationship)

Key Idea: Forgiven sinners forgive sin.

When we have been sinned against and must forgive, it's not always easy. Where do we find the power to extend the mercy of forgiveness?

Key text: Matthew 18:21-35

This text is oh-so important for marriage (and all the rest of our relationships)! Make sure you don’t miss the conclusion in verse 35:

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.

If we refuse to forgive our spouse from our heart (or others who request our forgiveness), what does that mean?

In case this throws you—if it seems to suggest that God is unmerciful to his own children—let me emphasize the driving truth of this parable. Extending true forgiveness is clear and persuasive evidence that we have been forgiven by God. The bottom line is that forgiven sinners forgive sin. (100)

If you refuse to forgive someone (from your heart!) who has sought your forgiveness, you need to ask yourself, “Would I want my heavenly Father to deal with me and my sins as I am dealing with this other person who has sinned against me?”

Listen to Harvey’s wise words:

…we do not truly grasp the good news of Jesus Christ in the gospel until we see that our sin against a holy God is a far greater injustice than anything that could be done to us. (103)

Do you believe that? 

Harvey tests our belief with this statement: 

My petty indifference to my wife (or husband) is sufficient to warrant the full wrath of a holy God and required the blood of my Savior to take it away. (103)

Do you realize that the amount or degree of your sin before God is always greater than the amount or degree of someone else’s sin against you? Harvey points out why on pages 103-104:

[The] status of the one sinned against is key…. [As] one of the Puritans prayed, “Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed, as in the greatness of the Person sinned against.” The “size” of a sin is not ultimately determined by the sin itself, but by the one who is sinned against. Sin is infinitely wicked because it rejects the one who is infinitely holy and good.

If you live life in light of the gospel, if you live life honestly aware of your 10,000 talent-like debt of sin, if you live life looking up toward your holy and merciful Savior who said, “It is finished!” on the cross, then the sin of others will always be small and peripheral in comparison.

If that (i.e. “10,000 talent” forgiveness) is the measure of the forgiveness the disciple has received, any limitation on the forgiveness he shows to his brother is unthinkable.” (Harvey quoting Matthew Henry, 104)

If, on the other hand, you live life with your eyes focused on the sin of others against you, then the greatness of your sin and the greatness of God’s mercy to forgive the greatness of your sin’s debt will be peripheral at best. And when the greatness of your sin and the greatness of God’s mercy are peripheral, and the sin of others is central, then you will choke others for payment rather than mercifully forgive.

If we really get this…we will be empowered to forgive others. And we do need power to forgive! Because forgiveness is costly.