WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt VI

Okay, one last post on chapter 5. This one is all about one of mercy's arch-enemies. He rears his ugly head more than we realize. And we need to learn to take him out.

Mercy and Self-Righteousness

Have you ever heard any of these statements slipping past your lips?

            “I can’t believe you did that!”

            “I don’t deserve this.”

            “I’ve got a right to be angry.”

            “Why aren’t you serious about change?”

…[these statements are] leaking the hot oil of self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people’s sinfulness. We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit. Self-righteousness wages war against mercy.

… How we respond when we think we’ve been sinned against can reveal self-righteousness. Perhaps the easiest and most common reaction is to assign ourselves as judge, prosecutor, court recorder, and jury. Not surprisingly, these tend to be pretty open-and-shut cases. We begin by mentally assigning a motive to the crime of our defendant-spouse. In a flash of mere moments we usher in the internal jury, present the case, and instantly get back a most unsurprising verdict: “Guilty.” Of the actual defendant no questions have been asked, no opportunity for testimony has been given, and no review of the circumstances provided. (91, emphasis mine)

How do we battle against this inner prosecutor rearing his ugly head? Harvey gives us some questions to ask ourselves (on pp 91-92):

• Am I self-confident that I see the supposed “facts” clearly?
• Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I’ve been wronged?
• Do I find it easy to build a case…that makes me seem right and him/her seem wrong?
• Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right? Or do I ask impartial questions—the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome?
• Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something?
• Am I able to dismiss questions like these as irrelevant?

 Then he adds this little gem of a thought: 

Self-righteousness doesn’t just show up when people sin against us. It also expresses itself when we encounter the weaknesses of others. (ouch!)

… Weaknesses in our spouse can tempt us—they’re inconvenient and frustrating to what we want from our marriage. How do I respond when that particular weakness in my spouse arises again. Do I just keep insisting (aloud or silently), “I don’t see how that can possibly be a problem for you!” This is a particularly sad expression of self-righteousness. Rather than sympathizing with the weaknesses or limitations of others, we act in condescending and demanding ways. We are finely attuned to the weaknesses of others but slow to see our own. (92, emphasis mine)

Does your spouse have physical issues or ailments or limitations that bug you?

Is your spouse not organized enough for you?

Is he/she too forgetful for your tastes?

Do the weaknesses of your spouse drive you nuts?

Good thing Jesus doesn’t deal with you and your weaknesses like you deal with your spouse and his/her weaknesses! Aren't you glad he's not like you! Be reminded of how he is: 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

And then ask yourself (better yet, actually ask your spouse!):

Would your spouse say you sympathize with weakness? That you extend to him or her the mercy Christ has lavished on you in light of your weaknesses? Or do you sit in judgment?

The good news for self-righteous, judgmental people (all of us from time to time) is that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13). When I grasp the mercy of God expressed to me, it opens my eyes to the bankruptcy of my own righteousness and sends me to the cross for the righteousness of Christ. I can then sympathize with my spouse’s weaknesses and rejoice in my own, for they reveal God’s strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). As John Stott has said, “God’s power operates best in human weakness. Weakness is the arena in which God can most effectively manifest his power. (93)

A few concluding application questions:

• How aware do you live of God’s mercy toward you?
• How can you grow in that awareness…and live life in that awareness?

(And a few from the WSSID Study Guide):

• Complete the following and share it with your spouse: One thing about the gospel that best helps me to not respond sinfully toward you in a situation is…
• Describe a way you have seen mercy expressed in your marriage. (Share it with your spouse and thank them for it!)
• What are some ways you can express kindness in your marriage?

Road #2: In Integrity, Inspect Yourself

Harvey is definitely directing us to take the "low road" in this chapter. It's a humbling journey. But let these words encourage you to keep traveling if and when you are tempted to make a u-turn:

...Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:5-7, ESV, emphasis mine)

Beware the roadblocks of pride that keep us from traveling with our spouses in a God-glorifying direction. We must stop pointing the finger in accusation and start probing our hearts in self-examination.

…a common tendency we all have: we often want to fix our marriage problems by “fixing” our spouses. Later in this book we’ll examine more closely what to do when love requires that we address the sin of our spouses. But in marriage that’s not the place to begin. Scripture does not give me permission to make the sins of my spouse my first priority. I need to slow down, exercise the humility of self-suspicion, and inspect my own heart first. (65-66)

This is just what Jesus taught us:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite (we need to hear that...and let it sink in!), first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV, emphasis mine)

Harvey draws out a humorous, but wise implication when he writes: 

If you have a beam sticking out of your eye and you try to remove a speck from your wife’s eye, “Just approaching her brings pain.” (66)

We all have conflict in our marriages. And almost always do both sides contribute sin to those conflicts. Harvey encourages us to use our imaginations:

What would happen if you evaluated that conflict in light of [Mt 7:3-5], and your spouse did too?

What if, to you, the log (not the speck) was yours…and to your spouse the log (not the speck) was his or hers? Would one of you be wrong? Would that be a misapplication of this passage? I don’t think so. I think it’s exactly what is supposed to happen!

Jesus is not concerned here with which of you is more at fault in a particular instance. His emphasis is your focus…. In light of who we are compared to God, and because of the reality of remaining sin, it is nothing more than basic integrity to consider our sin before we consider the sin of our spouse. To do otherwise lacks integrity. It’s hypocritical. (66-67)

Have you ever noticed how we are prone to make extremely confident assertions and judgments regarding our spouse’s sin, motives, and contributions to our problems?

Have you also noticed that, strangely, we are SO non-committal and excusing and uncertain when we speak of our own sin, motives, and contributions (if we admit them at all!). Have you ever said anything like this:

• “Well, I might have…
• “I probably could have…
• “I guess I could have…(and there's usually a big "but" somewhere following soon after!)
• “I probably didn’t…

Can I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

• Is there good reason for me to be a bit suspicious of myself? 
• Do I think it would make sense to humbly suspect and honestly inspect myself before I suspect and inspect my spouse?
• Have I ever considered the possibility that my assessment of my wife’s/husband’s motives (heart) and reasons (thinking) was/is less than perfectly accurate?
• Have I ever considered the possibility that the “uncertainty” of my self-assessments and my squishy confessions were/are really guilt-evasion -- not (oh-so) humble concessions for the sake of the peace?

If we get the truth here, it will help us guard against driving into the ditch (or "up the off-ramp") of pride and self-righteousness.

…avoid the off-ramp of self-righteousness. Integrity calls you to suspect and inspect your motives. Are you really doing this to bless, encourage, and help your spouse? Or do you actually have a strong interest in chalking up a few points for the home team? Do you hope to be proven right? To be vindicated? To emerge as spiritually superior? Who are you intending to serve—your spouse or yourself?

So if you find yourself on a speck hunt in your marriage, it’s probably because your suspicions are misdirected and you’re inspecting the wrong spouse. Marriages flourish when both partners learn to stay on the narrow road of integrity. I want to suspect and inspect my own heart first. That is where I will discover, not only the most obvious sin, but the only sin I can directly change. (68)

 Amen. God help us.