WSSID Ch 7 - Pt V: Faithful Are The Wounds of a Friend

We’ve considered how to proceed when there is a need to do some spiritual surgery on your spouse. It’s challenging. We might cut too roughly or flinch in fear.

But what about when your spouse comes to you with scalpel in hand? That’s probably even more challenging. Are you ready for that moment?

One way to help your spouse in this process (especially if they err on the fear of (wo)man side!) is to proactively give permission to ask diagnostic questions and cut when necessary.

Marriages grow sour when spouses engage in surgery casually, carelessly, or without the informed consent of the patient. But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed. (123)

Have you/will you give your spouse permission?

Why not ask your spouse if there are any sinful patterns in your life that they have noticed? And be prepared to LISTEN. Don’t immediately get defensive if they answer your question.

If you think what you hear is exaggerated or you are tempted to defend yourself…listen, absorb, process, pray (remember: suspect yourself and inspect yourself). Thank your spouse for his/her courage and willingness to help you see your sin. Harvey makes a great point when he says that we should want correction, not just tolerate it (124).

Give my spouse permission to confront or correct me? Are you kidding? Have you ever heard of, "Give an inch...?!" 

Allow me to give just three reasons (these are really worth chewing on!):

1. Psalm 141:5 Let a righteous man strike me- it is a kindness; let him rebuke me- it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it. 
2. Proverbs 15:31-32 The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.
3. Proverbs 27:5-6 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Spiritual surgery is a ministry we need to prepare to give…and receive.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt IV: Spiritual Surgery 101

The metaphor of spiritual surgery is a helpful one when it comes to dealing lovingly with sin in our spouse.

Matthew Henry once said, “The three qualifications of a good surgeon are requisite in a reprover: He should have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand; in short, he should be endued with wisdom, courage, and meekness. 

This great Puritan had struck upon a wonderful metaphor. Reproof—the means by which a Nathan reaches into the soul of one trapped in sin to bring the ministry of reconciliation—is a lot like surgery. Both require care, wisdom, and precision, as well as a delicate and determined hand. (121)

Now, if and when you go in for spiritual surgery…

• Don’t assume you see everything with perfect clarity 
• Don’t just cut blindly. 
• Ask questions, don’t assume motives and make accusations. 
• Like every good surgeon, do some good diagnostics and testing.

Harvey gives us some good diagnostic questions on pages 124-126 (emphasis mine):

• Have I prayed for God’s wisdom and acknowledged my need for his help in serving my spouse?

o   In prayer we are reminded of our surgical limitations—we can operate, but we cannot heal; we can speak, but we cannot convict concerning sin. Only God can do that (John 16:8).

• Are my observations based upon patterns of behavior or merely a single incident?

• Am I content to address one area of concern, even if I’m aware of several?

o   The kids still need to be fed and the bills paid while we struggle through our brokenness. It can be discouragingly hard to focus on more than one area of growth at a time. A good surgeon keeps that in mind.

• Am I committed to making incisions no larger than absolutely necessary?

• Am I prepared to humbly offer an observation rather than an assumption or conclusion?

o   You and I will never have perfect insight into our spouse’s heart. … Thus, the most helpful surgery is often exploratory. Similarly, the most helpful reproof frequently comes in the form of open (not leading) questions, because questions create the dialogue that invites more penetrating observations.

• Is my goal to promote God’s truth or my preference?
  

Let's milk this surgery metaphor for all it's worth. Good surgeons don’t stop after the initial incision. They don't leave the patient open and bleeding on the table. They carry the procedure all the way through to completion, stitch you up when they're done, visit you in post-op, and have you come back in for follow-up!

A second kind of courage is also necessary for the spiritual surgeon. If the first kind is like the boldness needed to begin surgery—running a scalpel across sterilized flesh to open the first incision—the second kind of courage keeps you at work for as long as it takes to finish, and then keeps you caring and engaged through the recovery period as well. This is the courage that commits to staying involved in personal ministry well after we begin to speak.

So often, couples can treat confrontation like a hand grenade—pop the pin, let it fly, and run for cover.  But biblical reproof is not some kind of commando raid.  It’s careful, committed, surgical care for the soul.  A good surgeon is committed not only to the operation, but to post-operative care as well.  Why does this require courage?  Because God’s purpose for reproof is not to achieve a hassle-free marriage but to inspire repentance unto godliness.  And repentance and change, friends, simply takes time.  When sinners say “I do,” we must be committed to the entire process of helping each other grow in godliness through life. (127)

 I think we could learn a lesson or two.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt III: Begin By Looking In

We begin (again) by looking in.

Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Mt. 7:3-5)

“Didn’t we already cover this?”

Yes, but have we gotten it yet? Have we stopped feeling and speaking and acting like the real problems in our marriages are “out there” with him/her? Have we stopped being so blind to our own sin and contributions to our conflicts and stopped presuming we see our spouses sin and contributions so clearly?

We need to suspect and inspect.

We need to evaluate our motives.

We need to begin with our own logs. 

On page 119, Harvey gives us two reasons we must begin with our own logs:

First, dealing with our own sin helps us to “see clearly” (v. 5).  Removing my sin grants me the perspective and clarity that comes with humility.  It improves my discernment and clears away much of the debris obstructing my view.  We’ll never be able to see 20/20 in this life, but cutting away my own log lets me see through the lens of compassion and care rather than the searing eyes of judgment and self-righteousness.

Second, a little lumber work prepares me for the Savior’s ultimate goal.  Gaining perspective has a purpose: ministry to others, in this case, my spouse.  Self-examination alone cannot produce a sweet marriage, but only self-examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse.  My own logging efforts position me for speck-removal.

So, once again, we begin by looking in. But we don’t stop there. Matthew 7:3-5 does not stop at log-removal. It sets us up to see clearly when there is a need for spiritual surgery on our spouse.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt II: God Pursue - Through You

I love Harvey’s perspective on their encounter in 2 Samuel 12.

There are two amazing dynamics at work in [the story of Nathan’s confrontation of David]. First, God pursues sinners. God’s love is relentless. Even when we are blinded by sin, he refuses to let go. God pursues David with a tireless love. Second, God uses sinners to pursue sinners. Nathan, like David, was a man prone to the same temptations and failures as David. But God had given Nathan a ministry in that moment. He was a sinner called to help another sinner become reconciled to God. (116-117, emphasis mine)

It is a humble privilege and a sober responsibility to be a reconciliation-tool in the hand of our loving, sinner-pursuing God (see 2 Corinthians 5:17-21)! This is so important to have that orientation. We’ve always got to check our motives when we feel the need to confront someone about their sin. The glory of God, through loving rescue and reconciliation, is the goal. The goal is not winning an argument or gaining lost ground or proving your point or getting your way.

Harvey packs into this chapter a bunch of wisdom on why we pursue this ministry of reconciliation. The following quotes are worth reading with care. 

• Our love ought to follow the love of God in one point, namely, in always seeking to produce reconciliation. It was to this end that God sent his Son. (117, quoting C.H. Spurgeon, emphasis mine) 

• Interesting, isn’t it, how sinners who say “I do” exist in an ironic biblical tension?  We are called to be merciful and withhold judgment.  But we are also called to challenge one another—to correct, exhort, and speak truth to the one we love (Hebrews 3:12-13). This can seem like a paradox, even an apparent contradiction in our call. But it’s not. On the contrary, God has set us in our marriage, at this time, with this person so that we can perform an extraordinary task of ministry. We can fulfill the call of reconciliation—turning a wandering believer back to the God who saves. We can love by bringing truth in gracious ways; applying grace through speaking the truth. When we do this ministry, we not only fulfill the role of Nathan, we represent our Lord Jesus Christ, who came and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth (John 1:14). (120, emphasis mine)   

• I don’t want my spouse to be convinced by my earnestness, as if my good intentions could confer any power to change.  I want my loved one to turn to God in repentance, if he or she has indeed sinned.  I don’t want my words to make a spouse feel “caught” in sin, because I don’t want to create a temptation to be more concerned with fixing a problem than encountering God.  Confrontation is not a “gotcha”event.

I want my spouse to encounter the Holy Spirit, sent to convict the world of sin (John 16:8), and thus to experience the cleansing and faith-inspiring work of godly sorrow over sin.  This is what we see in David as the gravity of his sin begins to dawn on him.  “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13). (129, emphasis mine)

• Your spouse’s sin is not first about you, it may affect you, but the most important thing it reveals is your spouse’s relationship with God.  A meek spouse seeking to help the other will make that relationship with God the first priority.  He or she will recognize that the ultimate hope for change lies in a response toward God, not a capitulation to the spouse. (131, emphasis mine)

You may be convinced of the importance of this kind of spiritual surgery. Now, let’s look at how to do it.

WSSID Ch 7 - Pt I: We All Need A Nathan

What do a prophet, a king, and a story about a ewe lamb have to do with marriage? Chapter 7 opens with the story of the prophet Nathan confronting King David about his sin with Bathsheba.

You can refresh your memory by first reading the story in 2 Samuel 12:1-14.

This chapter reminds us that

…when someone close to you is running from the truth, love demands that you speak. Sometimes love must risk peace for the sake of truth. (116)

Wisely, Harvey did not put this chapter first. He knows that we are natural-born finger-pointers and we can patrol for speck-crimes like a cop on the beat. Before we are ready to take up the scalpel and do spiritual surgery on our spouses, we’ve got to humbly submit ourselves to spiritual surgery. Chapters 1-6 helped us do that. They had us focus in on our own sin and up on our merciful God before we focus out on our spouse’s sin.

Others of us have a different problem. We don't feel like we ever have the right or the place to address another person's sin. We are painfully aware of how short we fall and feel like we would be hypocritical or arrogant to attempt to do so. Or, we think we might do more harm than good.

The skills we possess seem so inadequate, we wonder if it wouldn’t be less traumatic to the “patient” to do nothing at all. (121)

Truth be told, we also fear such encounters and like the path of least resistance. We don't want to upset the other person or deal with the potential fall-out from such a confrontation. In this case, we are governed by our fear of (wo)man.

Indeed, true biblical wisdom will often have a courageous edge to it, as we walk in faith, seeking to please God in all things. It might seem that life will be easier if we take the timid path of avoiding certain uncomfortable truths or winking at selected sins, but we always reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7-9). … If we avoid confrontation, we’ll just get confrontation anyway, because sin unaddressed is sin unconfined. In an attempt to preserve peace, we sow war. (126-127, emphasis mine)

So, we must know our tendencies – to attack or to avoid – and we must learn to walk the Christlike road of courageous care. Nathan walked that road. And we will need to walk it for our spouse. And our spouse will need to walk it for us.

Do you have a Nathan? Does your spouse have a better Nathan than you?

We all need a Nathan. We all need someone who can discern a slow drift or a rapid freefall from God, look us in the eye, and say, “You are the one.”

It is inevitable. In navigating through a fallen world with a sinful heart, from time to time your spouse will experience a pattern of sin that extinguishes joy and saps the soul, revealing dangerous corrosion in one’s character or relationship with God. Perhaps, just like David, your spouse will even be locked in denial and doing everything possible to hide the truth. Such sin cannot, must not, go unaddressed.

Look around. Who can play the Nathan role for your spouse? Who will take on the ministry of reconciliation? This needs to be someone appointed by God, close enough to see, and humble enough to be concerned more about God’s righteousness than about people’s opinions. There’s really only one likely candidate: You.

What will you do in those times when truth is absolutely necessary? What will you do when your spouse needs a Nathan? (117-118)

WSSID Ch 7 - The Surgeon, The Scalpel, and the Spouse in Sin

Hopefully This Will Whet Your Appetite

We will miss worshiping with our Bethel family this Sunday!

Mike Osborne from Trinity Church of Smyrna will be preaching from the book of Galatians. He will focus your attention on Gal. 3:1-5, but will unpack the theme of "union with Christ" from other parts of Galatians as well.

For Christians, the implications of our union with Christ are manifold. It is a precious and powerful doctrine. I encourage you to reflect on this same theme, in preparation for Sunday's message, by meditating on Ephesians 1:3-14. Notice how many times the phrases 'in Christ', 'in him', and 'in the Beloved' show up. And notice what is associated with those phrases.

I read this quote today from Russell Moore's new book Tempted and Tried: Temptation and the Triumph of Christ. If that quote doesn't whet your appetite for more on "union with Christ," I don't know what will.

Make the Gospel the Soundtrack of Your Life

In his book Living the Cross Centered Life, C.J. Mahaney says (on page 131):

We humans are creatures of habit, aren’t we? And our habits reflect our true selves—we all build our daily lives around our priorities and passions. …

We make time for what we truly value. We build habits and routines around the things that really matter to us. This is an important principle to understand as we seek to build our lives around the gospel.

Do you want to live a cross centered life? A cross centered life is made up of cross centered days.

He then goes on to offer some advice on how to live cross centered days. One piece of advice he gives is: "Sing the Gospel. ...make the gospel the sound track of your day." 

If you are looking for some good gospel-saturated music to help you do just that, Sovereign Grace Music is a great place to go. I was recently reminded of how good an album "Come Weary Saints" is, and started teaching "As Long as You Are Glorified" to our kids. 

You can listen to samples here. ("As Long as You Are Glorified" is #3.)

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt III: 3 Valves & Mercy's Flow

Harvey talks about how “forgiveness flows between us through a pipe having 3 valves. All three must be open for forgiveness to move from one person to another” (106). Here they are: 

1. Repent and request forgiveness

If you are the offended/sinned-against party, you can keep your valves open, even if the other person isn’t opening theirs. This kind of posture has been described as “dispositional forgiveness,” even if “transactional forgiveness” cannot yet take place. It means you are mercifully leaning in the direction of your spouse, wanting to forgive them, ready to forgive them, even if they have not yet been willing to repent and request your forgiveness.

Valves 2 and 3 are really two sides of the same coin. In relation to the person who’s sinned against you, you are extending mercy. In relation to your own heart and the cost of being sinned against, you are willing to absorb that cost.

2. Mercy

[This valve] releases the person who sinned from the liability of suffering punishment for that sin. To open this valve, the one sinned against must lay down the temptation to say along with the unforgiving servant, “Pay what you owe!” It shuts off the flow of bitterness by opening the flow of love. (107, emphasis mine)

How often we think, feel, or even say, “I’m not going to open this valve! I’m going to make you pay!” We give the silent treatment. We withdraw. We bring up past sin and use it like a weapon. We feel that “just” forgiving the other person for their sin is too easy. It doesn’t feel just! It’s doesn’t seem fair! All of this cuts off the flow of mercy. If we are out of touch with the flood of mercy that has and does flow our way from the cross, we will never let mercy flow in the direction of those who sin against us.

3. Absorb the cost 

Opening the third valve requires the willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. … Will the pain end with you or will you return it? … Will your heart attempt to force him to pay what he owes? Or will you follow the footsteps of the master and demonstrate a willingness to absorb the cost? (107)

Without the gospel, this is impossible. If the cost is absorbed without the power of the gospel, it turns into an ugly, prideful, self-righteous thing. “I’m going to pay this cost (sigh), even though you don’t deserve it. I’ll take the hit (puffed chest). I’ll pay the cost.” Or, it becomes a prideful, self-pitying thing. “(Sigh) I’ll be the martyr. I’ve already suffered so much (sagging shoulders). I’m used to it. I’ll absorb the cost…again.”

With the gospel, this is possible…and beautiful. It is a reflection of our Savior’s mercy. And it is empowered by our Savior’s mercy.

There is no room for pride. We are just as guilty. And we’ve been forgiven our 10,000 talent debt!

There is no reason for self-pity. We are not the one ultimately absorbing the cost. Jesus did that on the cross. We are saying “Amen” to the “It is finished!” that he triumphantly declared on the cross! We are ultimately paying the cost of that sin. We are acknowledging and echoing the fact that Jesus already paid the cost of that sin! We are saying that the cross was enough! We are refusing to act toward this person as if the cross was insufficient! We are refusing to say with our response that this person needs the cross + a little relational penance in order to be forgiven.

This is not dismissing the sin against us by saying, “It’s okay.” No, it is not okay! Jesus had to die for it! But he did die for it! And that death is sufficient to pay the debt of that sin against us. We have no right to exact our own payment in addition. We have no reason to protest, “Where’s the justice?!” Justice was served (FOR YOUR 10,000 TALENTS as well as this 100 denarii that is bugging you) on a little hill outside of Jerusalem.

The question is, “Are you going to say ‘Amen’ to John 19:30?”

Or, are you going to say that the cross isn’t quite enough – that they need to add about another 100 denarii worth of payment before you’ll be willing to forgive them?

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matthew 18:35, ESV)

WSSID Ch 6 - Pt II: Forgiveness Is Costly

Harvey quotes Ken Sande on page 108 regarding the costliness of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability that someone else deserves to pay. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of that person’s sins and you release that person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary.

In Matthew 18:28, the forgiven-his-10,000-talent-debt servant is owed 100 denarii by his fellow servant. Don’t think 100 denarii was just pocket change! It was significant! A day laborer (i.e. blue collar worker) was paid approximately a denarii a day for his work. So 100 denarii was the equivalent to 3+ months of wages!

How do you forgive that kind of a debt? 

Harvey’s chapter contains the story of Jeremy and Cindy. Jeremy committed adultery, but was broken by God’s grace and repented. He sought Cindy’s forgiveness. If you were Cindy (if you are a man, turn the tables and imagine your wife committing adultery and then repenting and genuinely seeking your forgiveness), how could you forgive that kind of a debt against you?

It was most certainly a long and intensely difficult process, but Cindy was in fact empowered to forgive Jeremy. How did it happen?

She states repeatedly that it was the preaching of the gospel that enabled her to forgive Jeremy. It was the gospel that got her eyes off of Jeremy's sin and onto her 10,000 talent debt owed to God. She heard it and heard it and began to really get the degree of her debt. She then subsequently began to grasp the greatness of the riches of the mercy lavished on her in Christ to forgive great debt.

By God’s grace, these realities began to appear in “actual size” to her. And without excusing or condoning or minimizing the debt of Jeremy’s sin against her, the gospel gave her eyes to see his sin in “actual size” as well. And the mercy and forgiveness flowed and God worked an amazing work of reconciliation between them.

If we don't have our eyes open to the actual size of our debt, then a different response is typical. Harvey explains it well on pp 107-108:

A natural response to our spouse’s sin is pure Matthew 18:28—pay what you owe me, and do it now. Our emotional reaction is not always a spiritual response, even if it “feels right.” We fear God’s methods don’t work. The biblical response—the idea of completely, forthrightly, and permanently forgiving a spouse and releasing him or her from all liability—can seem not only impossibly difficult but less than fully just.

In the end, the most common outcome is some wishy-washy middle ground—neither the sinful tantrum of demanding satisfaction or the godly extension of true forgiveness. It may be the inch-deep, “Oh, it’s okay,” that tries to pretend nothing ever happened. Perhaps it’s the quick, “Or course, I forgive you” (while implying “as long as you never do anything like that again!”). Or course, we may instead simply refuse to forgive, holding our spouse’s sin over the head like an old arrest warrant that could be prosecuted at any moment—what the Bible calls bitterness. (emphasis mine)

Instead of these all-too-typical responses, Harvey points to the biblical response of true forgiveness:

But true forgiveness sees another’s sin for the evil that it is, addresses it, then absorbs the cost of that sin by the power of God’s abundant grace. Such forgiveness sets the sinner free; the account of the sin is closed, cancelled, blotted out, just as we see in Matthew 18.

 We'll unpack this path of true forgiveness a bit in the next post.