WSSID Chapter 4 - Sounds Like A Prayer List

The summary of this chapter sounds like it would be worth writing down on a note card and sticking in your Bible or prayer book.

Resolve with me, with God's help, to:

1. Be more suspicious of yourself than your spouse. In humility, suspect yourself.
2. Look in first – the log before the speck. In integrity, inspect yourself.
3. Embrace the fact that your spouse doesn’t ever make (tempt? yes!; cause? no!) you sin. You should also embrace the fact that he/she is a divinely chosen tool to heat up the sludge in your soul so you can be purged and purified and grow in grace. How loving of God?! (please don't read that in a mocking tone!)
4. Be more aware of/Focus more on God’s undeserved grace than your spouse’s shortcomings and failures.

If we humbly and prayerfully resolve these things, do you think that our gracious God just might honor them and meet us with the very grace he promised to give to the humble?

Road #4: Focus on Undeserved Grace, Not Unmet Needs

What is the real problem in your marriage?

• Is it unmet needs?
• Is it that he/she doesn’t fill your little love tank?

That's what many of the books you'll read (even from the Christian bookstore) will tell you.

If that's the real problem, then what's the solution? 

• If she would just learn your love language and fill up your tank…and you would learn hers and fill up hers…
• If she would just scratch your back with more frequency and accuracy…and you scratched hers, then everything would be fine. 

No more conflict. No more sin. Right? Isn't the source of our conflict and quarrels really our unmet needs?

Notice - if we buy this explanation, the problem is outside of us. 

• If he/she would just fill me up!  
• If I could just fill him/her up. 

Notice also - if we buy this explanation, we are looking to ourselves for the solution.

But according to Scripture, the source of angry words, unforgiving looks, and cold shoulders is not unmet needs. It’s unsatisfied desires. (72)

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. (James 4:1-2, ESV)

With a sentence or two, James masterfully shifts our entire paradigm from something we’re missing (an unmet need) to something we’re doing (passionately desiring something we’re not getting). Lurking beneath our unmet needs are desires demanding satisfaction. We “desire but do not have. (73)

And according to Scripture, the solution is not in ourselves! It is in Jesus! It is in the power of the gospel at work in sinners who humble themselves and draw near to a loving God who promises grace to the humble. Watch how James 4:1-2 leads into James 4:6-10:

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Once again, we need turned around. We need to head down Road #4 - focusing not on unmet needs, but on undeserved grace. That road promises more and more grace - grace greater than our sin. And that's good news for sinners who've said "I do."

Road #3: Admit that Circumstances Only Reveal Existing Sin

I once read a quote by Amy Carmichael (missionary to India who became "Amma" to hundreds of girls she rescued from cult prostitution and cared for at her orphanage) that hit me between the eyes. It has stuck with me ever since, and Beth and I remind each other of it often. You may have heard me quote it.

…a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.

We love to blame our sinful reactions and attitudes and words on others and/or our circumstances. How often have you said or heard things like this:

• "Well, I was tired..."
• "I didn't have time to collect myself..."
• "She just knows how to push my buttons!"
• "I was fine until he..."
• "It's just the way I was raised..."
• "I've just always had a temper." (Good observation, Sherlock! And your point is?)
• "They just drive me crazy!"

 Ever since the Fall ("It was this woman you gave me!"), these reactions are endemic. Harvey calls us out: 

Blame-shifting is what I do when I basically know I’m guilty and am just trying to convince myself or someone else that maybe I’m not.

You see, your wicked heart and mine are amazingly similar. They both crave vindication. They want to insist that something else made us sin…something outside of us…beyond our control. Aha—our circumstances! (70)

He then gives a helpful illustration from the world of lawn care. His son once started the lawnmower with a loose oil cap. Once the engine heated up, the oil started spewing everywhere. Harvey uses the illustration like this:

This might be a helpful illustration for understanding the operation of remaining sin. Original sin filled the “engine” of our hearts with the “oil” of depravity—dark, greasy, and staining everything it touches. Circumstances come along and heat the engine. When the engine is hot—when events in our lives test our hearts by stirring anger, lust, greed, etc.—whatever is in the engine spews out. The heat (the circumstances) did not fill the engine with oil, it simply revealed what was in the engine. (70-71, emphasis mine)

He then gives some examples (this is right where we live):

To the husbands:

Husbands, you jump in the car only to find (sigh) that the gas gauge you’ve reminded your wife about (hmmff) is on empty again (seethe). What’s happening? … The complaint and contempt that’s filling your mind—is that caused by a gas gauge or by your wife? No, it’s simply showing you the impatience that was already in the engine of your heart. The heat just stirred it up and made it obvious. (71)

To the wives:

Wives, for the hundredth time (eyes roll) he has walked up the steps (groan) without touching the pile of clothes that obviously needs to be taken upstairs (disgusted gaze). What’s happening as the accusation, “at least he’s consistent at being lazy,” slips out under your breath? The engine’s heating, the cap is loose, and an oil spill is on its way! (71)

I love how Harvey then stops for second and directs our gaze to Jesus. What happened when things heated up for our Savior? There was no black sludge in his heart. Nothing spewed out. This man betrayed by a friend. He was deserted by all his friends. He was repeatedly denied by his most vehement follower. This man was beaten and flogged unjustly. He was hanging unjustly on a cross. Mere creatures he had made were spitting at him and mocking him. If anyone had a “right” to retaliate, it was he. And what came out? “Father, forgive them...” and “Today you will be with me in Paradise”! Oh, how we need to "fix our eyes on Jesus" (Hebrews 12:2) if we are going to "have the attitude of Christ" (Philippians 2:5)!

Let's learn this 3rd road well! Our spouses/our marital conflicts don’t CAUSE us to sin. They REVEAL the sin already present in our hearts.

John Bettler has said, “Your spouse always hooks your idol.” … I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “I never had these problems before. This must be my wife’s fault.” The truth is, I’d always been a blameshifter—it’s just that after getting married there were so many more good opportunities to express this fault!” (69)

Let's be honest. We are inveterate blameshifters. We need to train ourselves to humbly suspect and honestly inspect our own hearts first. But that's not all. Harvey really starts to push us toward a new perspective as he drives home the application of the sovereignty and wisdom of God in all of this:

…God will create opportunities to reveal and then deal with sin that keeps us from living in wisdom.” (68, emphasis mine)

Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God’s rescue mission for your life. Often a spouse plays his or her part by raising the engine temperature and heating the oil. But if we’re wisely honest we will realize that God is behind it all, revealing the familiar sin so that it might be overcome by amazing grace.” (71, emphasis mine)

Are you beginning to see how radical this reorientation is?! Are you beginning to imagine how things would change if you and your spouse got this (or even how things would change if you got it)?! Your spouse…with all his/her imperfections…is one of God’s chosen tools of sanctification in your life! And don’t flatter yourself! This is a two way street!

Whether we like it or not, God is more committed to the shaping of our character into conformity with Christ than he is committed to our comfort (I learned that one from my mom, but see also James 1:2-4). When God gives us the gift of marriage, there are always two sinners saying "I do." If we have eyes to see it, the places where we "hook" each others' idols and heat up each others' engines are gifts from a wise Father who loves us enough to sanctify us, whether we like it or not.

All praise to the All-Wise God who loves us enough to give us not what we like, but what we so desperately need! Amen?

Road #2: In Integrity, Inspect Yourself

Harvey is definitely directing us to take the "low road" in this chapter. It's a humbling journey. But let these words encourage you to keep traveling if and when you are tempted to make a u-turn:

...Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:5-7, ESV, emphasis mine)

Beware the roadblocks of pride that keep us from traveling with our spouses in a God-glorifying direction. We must stop pointing the finger in accusation and start probing our hearts in self-examination.

…a common tendency we all have: we often want to fix our marriage problems by “fixing” our spouses. Later in this book we’ll examine more closely what to do when love requires that we address the sin of our spouses. But in marriage that’s not the place to begin. Scripture does not give me permission to make the sins of my spouse my first priority. I need to slow down, exercise the humility of self-suspicion, and inspect my own heart first. (65-66)

This is just what Jesus taught us:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite (we need to hear that...and let it sink in!), first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV, emphasis mine)

Harvey draws out a humorous, but wise implication when he writes: 

If you have a beam sticking out of your eye and you try to remove a speck from your wife’s eye, “Just approaching her brings pain.” (66)

We all have conflict in our marriages. And almost always do both sides contribute sin to those conflicts. Harvey encourages us to use our imaginations:

What would happen if you evaluated that conflict in light of [Mt 7:3-5], and your spouse did too?

What if, to you, the log (not the speck) was yours…and to your spouse the log (not the speck) was his or hers? Would one of you be wrong? Would that be a misapplication of this passage? I don’t think so. I think it’s exactly what is supposed to happen!

Jesus is not concerned here with which of you is more at fault in a particular instance. His emphasis is your focus…. In light of who we are compared to God, and because of the reality of remaining sin, it is nothing more than basic integrity to consider our sin before we consider the sin of our spouse. To do otherwise lacks integrity. It’s hypocritical. (66-67)

Have you ever noticed how we are prone to make extremely confident assertions and judgments regarding our spouse’s sin, motives, and contributions to our problems?

Have you also noticed that, strangely, we are SO non-committal and excusing and uncertain when we speak of our own sin, motives, and contributions (if we admit them at all!). Have you ever said anything like this:

• “Well, I might have…
• “I probably could have…
• “I guess I could have…(and there's usually a big "but" somewhere following soon after!)
• “I probably didn’t…

Can I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

• Is there good reason for me to be a bit suspicious of myself? 
• Do I think it would make sense to humbly suspect and honestly inspect myself before I suspect and inspect my spouse?
• Have I ever considered the possibility that my assessment of my wife’s/husband’s motives (heart) and reasons (thinking) was/is less than perfectly accurate?
• Have I ever considered the possibility that the “uncertainty” of my self-assessments and my squishy confessions were/are really guilt-evasion -- not (oh-so) humble concessions for the sake of the peace?

If we get the truth here, it will help us guard against driving into the ditch (or "up the off-ramp") of pride and self-righteousness.

…avoid the off-ramp of self-righteousness. Integrity calls you to suspect and inspect your motives. Are you really doing this to bless, encourage, and help your spouse? Or do you actually have a strong interest in chalking up a few points for the home team? Do you hope to be proven right? To be vindicated? To emerge as spiritually superior? Who are you intending to serve—your spouse or yourself?

So if you find yourself on a speck hunt in your marriage, it’s probably because your suspicions are misdirected and you’re inspecting the wrong spouse. Marriages flourish when both partners learn to stay on the narrow road of integrity. I want to suspect and inspect my own heart first. That is where I will discover, not only the most obvious sin, but the only sin I can directly change. (68)

 Amen. God help us.

Road #1: In Humility, Suspect Yourself

Do you have holy suspicion of your own heart?

Listen to Harvey: 

This may be a shocker, but we should be suspicious…selectively, permanently, and internally. As the worst of sinners, in the day-to-day conflicts of marriage, I should be primarily suspicious and regularly suspicious of myself! To be suspicious of my own heart is to acknowledge two things: that my heart has a central role in my behavior, and that my heart has a permanent tendency to oppose God and his ways.

 This is an area where you have to train yourself. The humility of a healthy self-suspicion definitely does not come naturally. (64)

Think back to your last conflict. Were you at all manipulative or evasive? Did you ever blameshift or deflect? Did you minimize or exaggerate at any point?

Do you think there’s reason to have a healthy degree of suspicion of your own heart? Of course we should. And this should not surprise us.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)

Who can discern his errors? … Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:12-14, ESV)

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24, ESV)

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2, ESV)

Can you imagine what would happen in our marriages (seriously, take a second and just imagine) if, when conflict started to brew and break out, husbands and wives humbly started down this road together. The blood-bought peace of the Prince of Peace just might rule in our hearts and in our homes.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13-18, ESV, emphasis mine)

Harvey, like a master traffic cop, leads us through the intersection of road #1 onto road #2 when he says: 

Wisdom connects integrity to humility in a pretty simple way. If you suspect yourself (humility), you are more likely to inspect yourself first (integrity). (67)

When Sinners Say I Do - Chapter 4 - "Taking it Out for a Spin"

This chapter is about putting our biblical theology into gear. You need to notice how Harvey wisely builds one chapter on top of the other.

1. We are all theologians (chapter 1). All of what we do flows from what we believe about God (for good or ill!). 
2. We are all sinners (chapter 2). We really are as bad as the Bible says we are. The sooner we embrace that fact, and the sooner our sin becomes bitter to us, the sooner (and more often!) we will run to our Savior, and the sooner marriage will inevitably be sweetened by God's grace. 
3. Sin creates war (chapter 3). That is it's nature. It creates conflict within our hearts (see James 4:1-2). When we don't fight it and put it to death (see Gal 5:13-26), it breaks out and creates conflict in our relationships.

So, what do we do?!

As we put our theology into gear, Harvey gives us four roads on which we can get about anywhere we need to go in our marriages (he actually changes the metaphor to 4 "gears" - 1st gear, 2nd gear, etc., but we'll stick with roads).

This chapter is so important that I think each of these four roads deserves separate treatment. So, each of the next four posts will be one of the four roads Harvey directs us down as we seek to navigate life and marriage to the glory of God.

UPDATE: By the way, I hope you notice how these principles apply not only to marriage, but to all of our human relationships!

The Great Question To Be Decided

Our family recently finished reading the book Behind Rebel Lines by Seymour Reit. It's a book about the Civil War spy Emma Edmonds.

In 1861, Lincoln called for volunteers as the war broke out. The roles that women could play were relatively limited. Emma didn't let that stop her. She posed as a man and eventually risked her life multiple times as a spy behind rebel lines (eleven times to be exact!).

What motivated Edmonds to take such risks? She wrote a memoir (entitled, Nurse and Spy in the Union Army) shortly after the war ended. On the first page she answered that question:

It was not my intention, or desire, to seek my own personal ease and comfort while so much sorrow and distress filled the land. But the great question to be decided was, what can I do? What part can I myself play in this great drama?

There is a greater war and a greater drama. And there is a greater sorrow and and a greater distress. What questions are we asking? And what are we deciding?

8 Days Left - Adopted For Life For Free

For the month of February, christianaudio is offering Adopted For Life by Russell Moore as their free download.

I mentioned a little about this book here back in November shortly after Adoption Sunday.

Your Critics Flatter You

About 2 weeks ago, I posted these quotes from the hammer-pen of Jonathan Edwards that strikes quite a blow to our pride. Bill Hughes recently sent me a link to this post by C.J. Mahaney. In it, he shares a Spurgeon quote that has "served [him] big time when it comes to personal criticism." It sounds to me like a big hearty "Amen" to what Edwards was saying. Here you go:

Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted, and it is ugly, be satisfied; for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth. (Charles Spurgeon, sermon, “David Dancing before the Ark because of His Election,” in The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit Sermons, vol. 35.)

You’ve Never Had “Marriage Problems”

From pages 50-51 of When Sinners Say I Do (boldface emphases mine): 

If blaming your spouse for actually causing your own sin sounds maybe just a little suspect, how much stranger is it to blame the marriage itself? Is it just me, or do we all do that sometimes?

“I’m fine when I’m at work,” a spouse might say. “It’s not until I get home that the battle begins.” How easy it is to use the phrase, “We’re having marriage problems,” as if the marriage created them.

“Hey, bro, can you pray for me? My marriage is having some problems (or stranger still, some “issues”). Oh, me? No, I’m fine. Just gotta deal with these marriage problems, you know what I mean?”

…locating the source of your marriage problems in your marriage is like saying the Battle of Bull Run was cause by some really troubled farmland. The battle was fought on farmland, but its cause lay elsewhere.