WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt I

How important is mercy in marriage?

How aware are you of the mercy of God? You can test yourself by observing how merciful you are toward those around you. [Remember: our theology—our functional (not merely theoretical) beliefs about God—is the fountain from which the rest of our lives flow.]

• Do you relate to your spouse (and child/ren, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) with mercy?
• Or, are you easily irritated and characteristically impatient?
• Do you treat your spouse as guilty until proven innocent?
• Are you exacting and hyper-critical?
• Do you send your spouse on guilt trips when their mistakes or interruptions put you out?

If these describe you, the problem is that you are not living with a significant awareness of God’s great mercy toward you. Would you want God to relate to you the way you relate to others?

It’s easy to see how essential mercy is to sinners who’ve said “I do.”

So, what is mercy?

Harvey describes it well when he says that mercy “means [God’s] kindness, patience, and forgiveness toward us. It is his compassionate willingness to suffer for and with sinners for their ultimate good.” (79)

He goes on to unpack the importance of mercy this way: 

Do you know God as a God of mercy? Do you see your spouse as God sees him or her—through eyes of mercy? If your answer to either question is no, it is unlikely that your marriage is sweet. Mercy sweetens marriage. Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful. … Mercy sweetens the bitterness out of relationships—especially marriage. ...

Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married? Think about it like this: Marriage is a place where two sinners become so connected that all the masks come off. It’s not only that we sometimes put on our best faces in public, it’s that when we’re married we see each other in all kinds of situations, including some very difficult ones. All the wonderful diversity (in this case, a polite word for our personal quirks, weaknesses, and sin patterns) that was kept refined and subdued before the wedding tumbles out of the closet after the honeymoon. We begin to see each other as we really are—raw, uncensored, and in Technicolor. If our eyes are open, we discover wonderful things about our spouses that we never knew were there. We also discover more of the other person’s weaknesses. … Without mercy, differences become divisive, sometimes even “irreconcilable.” But deep, profound differences are the reality of every marriage. It’s not the presence of differences but the absence of mercy that makes them irreconcilable. (80-81, emphasis mine)

… Mercy is given to be shared. And what it touches, it ultimately sweetens. We are to pass along what we have received from God—steadfast love, inexplicable kindness, overflowing compassion. We sinned against God and he responded with mercy. We are called to go and do the same. (83, emphasis mine)

I hope this question rings in your ears: "Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married?" Seek to live life in view of the mercies of God, so that you will be an active and generous conduit of God's mercy to your spouse!

Road #1: In Humility, Suspect Yourself

Do you have holy suspicion of your own heart?

Listen to Harvey: 

This may be a shocker, but we should be suspicious…selectively, permanently, and internally. As the worst of sinners, in the day-to-day conflicts of marriage, I should be primarily suspicious and regularly suspicious of myself! To be suspicious of my own heart is to acknowledge two things: that my heart has a central role in my behavior, and that my heart has a permanent tendency to oppose God and his ways.

 This is an area where you have to train yourself. The humility of a healthy self-suspicion definitely does not come naturally. (64)

Think back to your last conflict. Were you at all manipulative or evasive? Did you ever blameshift or deflect? Did you minimize or exaggerate at any point?

Do you think there’s reason to have a healthy degree of suspicion of your own heart? Of course we should. And this should not surprise us.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)

Who can discern his errors? … Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:12-14, ESV)

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24, ESV)

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2, ESV)

Can you imagine what would happen in our marriages (seriously, take a second and just imagine) if, when conflict started to brew and break out, husbands and wives humbly started down this road together. The blood-bought peace of the Prince of Peace just might rule in our hearts and in our homes.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13-18, ESV, emphasis mine)

Harvey, like a master traffic cop, leads us through the intersection of road #1 onto road #2 when he says: 

Wisdom connects integrity to humility in a pretty simple way. If you suspect yourself (humility), you are more likely to inspect yourself first (integrity). (67)