Book of the Month

Our present book of the month is Comforts From the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

I intended to read a little blurb yesterday to give you a feel for the purpose of the book, and I forgot. Here's what I was going to read (from the introduction):

Through this book I'm inviting you to join me in a month's worth of daily "celebrations." These celebrations...[are] all about Jesus Christ: his incarnation, sinless life, substitutionary death, bodily resurrection, ascension, and ongoing reign as Lord of all there is. In other words, we're going to be celebrating the gospel.

I'm assuming that right about now you might be wondering why you would need to celebrate the gospel every day. You might think you already know it; in fact, I'm pretty sure that most of you do. Most of you would be able to clearly articulate the facts of Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection. But this book isn't about mere facts, although these facts are true and significant. This book is about how those facts are to inform, free, gladden, and enliven your soul every day--when you're struggling to balance the checkbook, stuck in traffic or in a hospital bed, or just bored with the same-old-same-old. These facts are so much more than facts, and yet, the longer we walk with God, the more likely we are to forget about them. Here's my perspective: nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important than Jesus Christ and the gospel, and this gospel is meant to be remembered and celebrated every day. (boldfaced emphasis mine)

We don't ever get over our need for the gospel. It is the power of God to save and sanctify and sustain us to the end. That's why we value and pursue Gospel Growth at Bethel. This book will help.

Please Go Read This

I can't tell you how wise and helpful this post by Kevin DeYoung is - except by telling you, "I can't tell you how wise and helpful this post by Kevin DeYoung is."

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt VI

Okay, one last post on chapter 5. This one is all about one of mercy's arch-enemies. He rears his ugly head more than we realize. And we need to learn to take him out.

Mercy and Self-Righteousness

Have you ever heard any of these statements slipping past your lips?

            “I can’t believe you did that!”

            “I don’t deserve this.”

            “I’ve got a right to be angry.”

            “Why aren’t you serious about change?”

…[these statements are] leaking the hot oil of self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people’s sinfulness. We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit. Self-righteousness wages war against mercy.

… How we respond when we think we’ve been sinned against can reveal self-righteousness. Perhaps the easiest and most common reaction is to assign ourselves as judge, prosecutor, court recorder, and jury. Not surprisingly, these tend to be pretty open-and-shut cases. We begin by mentally assigning a motive to the crime of our defendant-spouse. In a flash of mere moments we usher in the internal jury, present the case, and instantly get back a most unsurprising verdict: “Guilty.” Of the actual defendant no questions have been asked, no opportunity for testimony has been given, and no review of the circumstances provided. (91, emphasis mine)

How do we battle against this inner prosecutor rearing his ugly head? Harvey gives us some questions to ask ourselves (on pp 91-92):

• Am I self-confident that I see the supposed “facts” clearly?
• Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I’ve been wronged?
• Do I find it easy to build a case…that makes me seem right and him/her seem wrong?
• Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right? Or do I ask impartial questions—the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome?
• Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something?
• Am I able to dismiss questions like these as irrelevant?

 Then he adds this little gem of a thought: 

Self-righteousness doesn’t just show up when people sin against us. It also expresses itself when we encounter the weaknesses of others. (ouch!)

… Weaknesses in our spouse can tempt us—they’re inconvenient and frustrating to what we want from our marriage. How do I respond when that particular weakness in my spouse arises again. Do I just keep insisting (aloud or silently), “I don’t see how that can possibly be a problem for you!” This is a particularly sad expression of self-righteousness. Rather than sympathizing with the weaknesses or limitations of others, we act in condescending and demanding ways. We are finely attuned to the weaknesses of others but slow to see our own. (92, emphasis mine)

Does your spouse have physical issues or ailments or limitations that bug you?

Is your spouse not organized enough for you?

Is he/she too forgetful for your tastes?

Do the weaknesses of your spouse drive you nuts?

Good thing Jesus doesn’t deal with you and your weaknesses like you deal with your spouse and his/her weaknesses! Aren't you glad he's not like you! Be reminded of how he is: 

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

And then ask yourself (better yet, actually ask your spouse!):

Would your spouse say you sympathize with weakness? That you extend to him or her the mercy Christ has lavished on you in light of your weaknesses? Or do you sit in judgment?

The good news for self-righteous, judgmental people (all of us from time to time) is that mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13). When I grasp the mercy of God expressed to me, it opens my eyes to the bankruptcy of my own righteousness and sends me to the cross for the righteousness of Christ. I can then sympathize with my spouse’s weaknesses and rejoice in my own, for they reveal God’s strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). As John Stott has said, “God’s power operates best in human weakness. Weakness is the arena in which God can most effectively manifest his power. (93)

A few concluding application questions:

• How aware do you live of God’s mercy toward you?
• How can you grow in that awareness…and live life in that awareness?

(And a few from the WSSID Study Guide):

• Complete the following and share it with your spouse: One thing about the gospel that best helps me to not respond sinfully toward you in a situation is…
• Describe a way you have seen mercy expressed in your marriage. (Share it with your spouse and thank them for it!)
• What are some ways you can express kindness in your marriage?

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt V

Mercy After The Fact: Cover Sin

(Get ready for an extended quote. Don’t let its length put you off. It’s really important.)

            So here you are. She did that again. He said that again. While you are always aware of your own temptations, you’ve truly been trying to love with kindness and treat your spouse as you would want to be treated. You’ve been careful to try to please God in how you’ve responded. And yet once again it’s happening, and what bad timing. You’re walking into church—a little battle under the breath before he heads off to usher and she’s off to children’s ministry. Gotta look happy for the visitors and children. So you’re in that awkward place where something isn’t right but it can’t be resolved. What do you do?

            You could agree to pick it up later, which is always a great idea—but what if later can’t happen for a couple of days? Is it really that big a deal to keep it in mind? You could take the time to work it out right now, inconveniencing others in the process. Do you just try to forget it, only to see it pop up in some future conflict? Do you file it away in “Things About My Spouse that Need to Change”? …

            Maybe you didn’t know this, but the Bible gives you a special privilege in dealing with sin committed against you. It’s called forbearance. It means that you can bring love into play in such a way that you can cut someone free from their sin against you—without them even knowing or acknowledging what they’ve done! Forbearance is an expression of mercy that can cover both the big sins of marital strife and the small sins of marital tension. And let’s face it; small sins are the fuel for most marital blazes.

            Let’s be careful here. Forbearance doesn’t mean we tuck sin away for another time. It’s not a variation on patience, nor is it some Christianized, external “niceness” where you pretend nothing bothers you. It’s not even a kind of ignoring the sin, in the sense of refusing to acknowledge it.

            In forbearance, we know (or at least suspect) we have been sinned against, but we actually make a choice to overlook the offense and wipe the slate clean, extending a heart attitude of forgiveness and treating the (apparent) sin as if it never happened. Proverbs 19:11 tells us it is a “glory to overlook an offense.” Forbearance is preemptive forgiveness, freely and genuinely bestowed.

            Of course, righteousness often demands that we address the sin of another, even if that my create some unpleasant results. (We’ll discuss this in chapter seven.) It’s not forbearance to suppress an offense you can’t readily release, or to prefer the pain of being sinned against to what you imagine would be the greater pain of discussing it, or to let a pattern of sin in your spouse go completely unaddressed.

            Forbearance applies to specific instances of sin. It involves a clear-eyed realization that we may have been sinned against, and then a bold-hearted, gospel-inspired decision to cover that sin with love. Peter gives us the key to forbearance. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Looks like Peter learned the lessons of Luke 6 pretty well.

            When we are sinned against, we can cover it—overwrite it, if you will—with the perspective of love. Thus, forbearance includes a commitment to earnestness in our love, actively holding ourselves accountable to keeping the sin covered.

            Covering sin with love in effect removes a sin committed from the field of play. This can be extremely helpful during certain seasons. Often in marriages we’re working on big issues, a process that can be derailed by small offenses. Sometimes petty sins can be so frequent as to leave us discouraged about making any progress at all. And sometimes one spouse can be in a season of challenge that makes him or her more susceptible to temptation in certain areas. In such instances, forbearance sets aside the smaller issues that could distract or detract from something more important.

            For example, at times Kimm and I have the privilege to speak at marriage retreats. While Kimm is greatly honored at these times to address wives on some topic dear to her heart, message preparation is not an area in which she feels gifted. The weeks of preparation leading up to the event, on top of her daily responsibilities, can bring anxious temptations into play. Sometimes this anxiety expresses itself in complaining to me. When we first encountered these seasons, I thought what she needed was perspective, something like, “If Susannah Wesley could run a house with, like, eighty-three kids, and still have a three-hour quiet time, how big was her God?” Pretty slick, huh? Suffice it to say those were never productive conversations.

            Thankfully, I’ve learned it is not only wise but loving to take into account the “heat” in Kimm’s life. I need to look for how she’s battling it, try to encourage rather than critique, and be willing to let a little of her mud (or well-heated engine oil) splash on me so she can grow in faith through the experience. What a privilege to represent the love of our Savior in forbearing the sins of my spouse for the sake of love. What a reminder of God’s forbearance of my sin because of love. (87-90, emphasis mine)

Need some new memory verses? 

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. (Prov. 19:11)

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Pet. 4:8)

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt IV

Mercy When Under Attack: Do Unto Others

When we get into conflict, the mud often flies. Are you muddy? How much mud have you been slinging?

Luke 6:27-36 makes it clear that we ought not to return mud for mud. Instead, return gold for mud. Mercy responds to mud with the precious metal of the golden rule.

But I say to you who hear,

Love your enemies,

do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you,

pray for those who abuse you.

To one who strikes you on the cheek,

offer the other also, and

from one who takes away your cloak

do not withhold your tunic either.

Give to everyone who begs from you, and

from one who takes away your goods

do not demand them back. 

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” (Lk. 6:27-31, emphasis mine)

Or how about this wisdom for marriage:

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires” (James 1:19-20)

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

Don’t throw gas on the fire of the conflict with harsh words and anger. Throw water (or a wet blanket for those marital grease fires) on the fire with quickness to hear, slowness to speak, and, once you do speak, soft answers that turn away wrath.

One thing Harvey has learned: 

  …if I can avert a two-hour argument with two minutes of mercy, that’s a win for everybody involved. (87)

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt III

Mercy Before the Fact: Practice Kindness

…God has always had a disposition of kindness toward us. … God doesn’t just dispense mercy. He is merciful (Lk 6:36).

God “sees every sinful action, motive, and thought we ever have, yet still relates to us in love. God loves sinners, simple as that, and certainly not because of the sin, but in spite of it. His love expresses itself in kindness toward sinners, and that kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). The phrase “lead us to” tells us his loving-kindness meets us prior to repentance and draws us forward. What a lavish demonstration of mercy toward those who, left to themselves, would flee from God! …

Such kindness…makes a claim upon us: We are called to continue in the kindness we have received (Romans 11:22). We don’t wait to be sinned against and then try to respond with mercy. Rather, we adopt the posture of being willing to experience sin against us as part of building a God-glorifying marriage in a fallen world. Kindness says to our spouse, “I know you are a sinner like me and you will sin against me, just like I sin against you. But I refuse to live defensively with you. I’m going to live leaning in your direction with a merciful posture that your sin and weakness cannot erase.

How can you be kind knowing that there may be another sin against you right around the corner? Because kindness does not have its origins in you, but in God. It isn’t a personality trait, it’s a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22; Colossians 3:12) and an expressions of biblical love (1 Corinthians 13:4). Kindness recognizes that God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23). There is fresh grace for each failure for both the sinner and the one sinned against.” (84-85, emphasis mine)

Which way are you leaning?

• Are you leaning toward your spouse with merciful kindness? 
• Or are you leaning away from your spouse with an easily irritated, critical posture?

Your spouse is not on trial! Repent of your folded arms, “if you’re lucky,” critical, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, prosecuting attorney posture. Fire that inner lawyer, get your eyes on God’s GREAT mercy toward you in Christ, and allow that mercy to incline you in the direction of your spouse with the “gospel lean” of merciful kindness.

Harvey gives a few examples of what this everyday merciful lean looks like (on p85):

• the coffee run for the husband having to work late
• the washing and cleaning out of the mini-van for the busy mom
• the intentional words of encouragement in an area of weakness

What acts of kindness can/will you do this next week? (Stop! Don’t just read on! Think about this and make plans to follow through with it this week! One suggestion: make it something out of the ordinary.)

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pts III, IV, & V

What does mercy in marriage look like in real time?

Harvey gives us some helpful advice on what mercy looks like before, during, and after conflict:

1. Mercy Before the Fact: Practice Kindness 
2. Mercy When Under Attack: Do Unto Others 
3. Mercy After the Fact: Cover Sin

We'll take each of the three in turn in the next three posts.

For some reason, there's no corresponding "Chapter 5" video on this page. I'll try to make one and post it here if I have time (complete with some of the famous early morning artwork I do for the 6:12 @ 6 Fri. Men's Group).

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt II

If mercy and love for my enemies…then what for my spouse?

The key text for chapter 5 is Luke 6:27-36. In this text, Jesus commands us to be merciful to and love our enemies. Does this have anything to do with marriage? Some of you know immediately that this applies to marriage! Others might think that it’s too extreme to apply to marriage.

Harvey brings Luke 6 right into the proverbial kitchen when he writes:

By addressing grievous scenarios, [Jesus] is setting the bar for normal life. He is saying, “Okay, now on to mercy. Let’s move right to the egregious cases—such as your enemies, those who hate and curse and strike and abuse you—because when you know how to deal with committed enemies, you’ll know how to deal with occasional enemies. When you can extend mercy to the spiteful, violent, selfish, and wicked, you can extend it to those who annoy, ignore, or disappoint you. (83)

Read through Luke 6:27-36 slowly and carefully and ask yourself what this text has to say to you in your marriage:

 

But I say to you who hear,

Love your enemies,

do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you,

pray for those who abuse you.

To one who strikes you on the cheek,

offer the other also, and

from one who takes away your cloak

do not withhold your tunic either.

Give to everyone who begs from you, and

from one who takes away your goods

do not demand them back.  

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

"If you love those who love you,

what benefit is that to you?

For even sinners love those who love them.

And if you do good to those who do good to you,

what benefit is that to you?

For even sinners do the same.

And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive,

what credit is that to you?

Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount.

But love your enemies,

and do good,

and lend,

expecting nothing in return,

and your reward will be great,

and you will be sons of the Most High,

for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

Be merciful,

even as your Father is merciful.

Some will hear this and resist. To you, Harvey gives some very wise, though potentially hard-to-swallow, counsel:

To so many spouses, one more turning of the cheek or one more overlooked sin is just too much. Mercy has been tried and “it hasn’t worked.” Nothing has changed. In fact, mercy has been trampled on and abused; it just doesn’t produce results.

But we must go back and ask, “What is the purpose of mercy?” Do I extend mercy to get a response? Are results the point? Is mercy some spiritual coin with which to purchase my spouse’s good behavior?

In Luke 6, Jesus makes it clear that mercy does carry a promise. But it’s a promise of reward, not of results (v. 35). Jesus never promises to change our enemies (the extreme case that encompasses all cases). What he has in view for us is a loving relationship with our Father in heaven that will increasingly eclipse any hateful or hurtful actions against us. (93-94, emphasis mine)

"But I can't do this!" you say. "You're right." This kind of mercy is not in us. But it is in our merciful God and Savior. And he can so fill us with his mighty mercy that we will be able to love like this...like him.

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt I

How important is mercy in marriage?

How aware are you of the mercy of God? You can test yourself by observing how merciful you are toward those around you. [Remember: our theology—our functional (not merely theoretical) beliefs about God—is the fountain from which the rest of our lives flow.]

• Do you relate to your spouse (and child/ren, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) with mercy?
• Or, are you easily irritated and characteristically impatient?
• Do you treat your spouse as guilty until proven innocent?
• Are you exacting and hyper-critical?
• Do you send your spouse on guilt trips when their mistakes or interruptions put you out?

If these describe you, the problem is that you are not living with a significant awareness of God’s great mercy toward you. Would you want God to relate to you the way you relate to others?

It’s easy to see how essential mercy is to sinners who’ve said “I do.”

So, what is mercy?

Harvey describes it well when he says that mercy “means [God’s] kindness, patience, and forgiveness toward us. It is his compassionate willingness to suffer for and with sinners for their ultimate good.” (79)

He goes on to unpack the importance of mercy this way: 

Do you know God as a God of mercy? Do you see your spouse as God sees him or her—through eyes of mercy? If your answer to either question is no, it is unlikely that your marriage is sweet. Mercy sweetens marriage. Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful. … Mercy sweetens the bitterness out of relationships—especially marriage. ...

Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married? Think about it like this: Marriage is a place where two sinners become so connected that all the masks come off. It’s not only that we sometimes put on our best faces in public, it’s that when we’re married we see each other in all kinds of situations, including some very difficult ones. All the wonderful diversity (in this case, a polite word for our personal quirks, weaknesses, and sin patterns) that was kept refined and subdued before the wedding tumbles out of the closet after the honeymoon. We begin to see each other as we really are—raw, uncensored, and in Technicolor. If our eyes are open, we discover wonderful things about our spouses that we never knew were there. We also discover more of the other person’s weaknesses. … Without mercy, differences become divisive, sometimes even “irreconcilable.” But deep, profound differences are the reality of every marriage. It’s not the presence of differences but the absence of mercy that makes them irreconcilable. (80-81, emphasis mine)

… Mercy is given to be shared. And what it touches, it ultimately sweetens. We are to pass along what we have received from God—steadfast love, inexplicable kindness, overflowing compassion. We sinned against God and he responded with mercy. We are called to go and do the same. (83, emphasis mine)

I hope this question rings in your ears: "Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married?" Seek to live life in view of the mercies of God, so that you will be an active and generous conduit of God's mercy to your spouse!

Please pray this with me

Dear Bethel family,

It's all too normal for children who grow up "in the church" to get bored and dull and indifferent to the great and glorious truths of the gospel. It seems all-too-easy for them to become more anesthetized than sensitized to the gospel they so regularly hear.

It is true that there is no magic formula or silver bullet solution that will keep this from happening. It is equally true that there is much we can do to guard against it (e.g. by dealing with our own boredom and dullness and indifference!). But it is ultimately true that only God can make hard hearts soft. Only God can replace hearts of stone with hearts of flesh. So we must pray.

I've put this request in my prayer book:

That our children here would not be anesthetized to the Word of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but that they would be sensitized to it.

Would you put it in yours, too?