Your Critics Flatter You

About 2 weeks ago, I posted these quotes from the hammer-pen of Jonathan Edwards that strikes quite a blow to our pride. Bill Hughes recently sent me a link to this post by C.J. Mahaney. In it, he shares a Spurgeon quote that has "served [him] big time when it comes to personal criticism." It sounds to me like a big hearty "Amen" to what Edwards was saying. Here you go:

Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted, and it is ugly, be satisfied; for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth. (Charles Spurgeon, sermon, “David Dancing before the Ark because of His Election,” in The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit Sermons, vol. 35.)

You’ve Never Had “Marriage Problems”

From pages 50-51 of When Sinners Say I Do (boldface emphases mine): 

If blaming your spouse for actually causing your own sin sounds maybe just a little suspect, how much stranger is it to blame the marriage itself? Is it just me, or do we all do that sometimes?

“I’m fine when I’m at work,” a spouse might say. “It’s not until I get home that the battle begins.” How easy it is to use the phrase, “We’re having marriage problems,” as if the marriage created them.

“Hey, bro, can you pray for me? My marriage is having some problems (or stranger still, some “issues”). Oh, me? No, I’m fine. Just gotta deal with these marriage problems, you know what I mean?”

…locating the source of your marriage problems in your marriage is like saying the Battle of Bull Run was cause by some really troubled farmland. The battle was fought on farmland, but its cause lay elsewhere.

When Sinners Say I Do – Chapter 3 – “The Fog of War and the Law of Sin”

Key Ideas:

This chapter is about better understanding the nature of sin and learning how to respond to it.

The nature of sin is war. Sin creates war—war with God, war with others, and war within yourself. (46)

War with God (Rom. 8:7; James 4:4; Rom. 5:10)

War within yourself (Gal. 5:17; Rom. 7:23)

War with others – like, say, your spouse (James 4:1-2)

The cause of our marriage battles, friends, is neither our marriage nor our spouse. It’s the sin in our hearts—entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception. (51)

Our real opponent is not on the opposite side of the bed, but within our hearts. (58)

(Reminder: Dave Harvey did a number of short videos summarizing the contents of the chapters. This video covers chapters 2-4.)

More On The Verticality of Sin

Genesis 39:6-9
...Now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance.
And after a time his master's wife cast her eyes on Joseph and said, "Lie with me."
But he refused and said to his master's wife,

"Behold, because of me my master has no concern about anything in the house, and he has put everything that he has in my charge. He is not greater in this house than I am, nor has he kept back anything from me except yourself, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?"

Joseph talks a lot about Potiphar in this exchange: "my master has no concern about anything...he has put everything...in my charge. He is not greater...than I am, nor has he kept back anything." We might expect him to end with, "How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against my master?" Well, in a sense, that's exactly what he said.

Joseph knew that all sin is vertical. All sin has to do with God. As John Piper says in Future Grace, "Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied in God." So, Joseph did not answer her, "How then can I do this great wickedness after all my master's done for me?" or, "How then can I do this and jeopardize my job security?" or, "How then can I do this - what if you get pregnant?" or, "How then can I do this - what if it gets going through the grapevine?" or, "How then can I do this - what if we get caught?"

What's your reasoning like when you are tempted? Especially in the dark and private moments when no one is around and no one will know. How much does God factor into the equation? How vertical is your temptation-resisting reason?

Back To Our Point of Reference...with Bonhoeffer

After I quoted this in the message a few weeks ago, Susan Quigley copied two pages from the new Bonhoeffer biography by Eric Metaxes for me.

She drew my attention to an extended quote from Bonhoeffer's letter to his theologically liberal brother-in-law Rudiger Schleicher. He had the following helpful advice regarding our approach to the Bible (pp 136-137):

First of all I will confess quite simply—I believe that the Bible alone is the answer to all our questions, and that we need only to ask repeatedly and a little humbly, in order to receive this answer. One cannot simply read the Bible, like other books. One must be prepared really to enquire of it. Only thus will it reveal itself. Only if we expect from it the ultimate answer, shall we receive it. That is because in the Bible God speaks to us. And one cannot simply think about God in one’s own strength, one has to enquire of him. Only if we seek him, will he answer us. Of course it is also possible to read the Bible like any other book; that is to say from the point of view of textual criticism.... Only that that is not the method which will reveal to us the heart of the Bible, but only the surface, just as we do not grasp the words of someone we love by taking them to bits, but by simply receiving them, so that for days they go on lingering in our minds, simply because they are the words of a person we love; and just as these words reveal more and more of the person who said them as we go on, like Mary, “pondering them in our heart,” so it will be with the words of the Bible. Only if we will venture to enter into the words of the Bible, as though in them this God were speaking to us who loves us and does not will to leave us along with our questions, only so shall we learn to rejoice in the Bible….

          If it is I who determine where God is to be found, then I shall always find a God who corresponds to me in some way, who is obliging, who is connected with my own nature. But if God determines where he is to be found, then it will be in a place which is not immediately pleasing to my nature and which is not at all congenial to me. This place is the Cross of Christ. And whoever would find him must go to the foot of the Cross… This is not according to our nature at all, it is entirely contrary to it. But this is the message of the Bible, not only in the New but also in the Old Testament….

          And I would like to tell you now quite personally: since I have learnt to read the Bible in this way—and this has not been for so very long—it becomes every day more wonderful to me.  I read it in the morning and the evening, often during the day as well, and every day I consider a text which I have chosen for the whole week, and try to sink deeply into it, so as really to hear what it is saying. I know that without this I could not live properly any longer. (emphasis mine)

Jesus said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

When Sinners Say I Do - Video Summaries

I just discovered yesterday the YouTube page that Sovereign Grace Ministries put together a couple years ago for the When Sinners Say I Do book. On the page, you'll find a series of videos in which Dave Harvey summarizes the contents of the book. I'll try to remember to link to the corresponding video in weeks to come, but if you'd like to get caught up, here are the videos for the Preface, Chapter 1, and Chapters 2-4.

HT: JT

"I Have Something To Say To You" - Luke 7:47 for Marriage

In Luke 7:36-50 we find the account of Jesus' visit to the home of Simon the Pharisee. While they are reclining at table, a "woman of the city" (i.e. a prostitute) comes and lavishly displays her repentant heart and love for Jesus. Simon is put off. Jesus rebukes him with a little story and its application to the events of the dinner party. In verse 47, Jesus says

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.

The point is not: “Too bad for you, Simon. If you’d have sowed your wild oats a bit more, I could have forgiven you a bit more, and then you’d be a more loving person.”

Jesus is saying: There is a direct correlation between how much you love and how much you know/are aware of the greatness of your need for forgiveness. If you are out of touch with reality and think yourself a pretty benign, amateur, lightweight sinner, then mercy is not worth much and neither is Jesus. Little (need for) love from Jesus begets little love for Jesus (and others). If, on the other hand, you are in touch with the reality that you are a malignant, professional-grade, heavyweight sinner, then mercy is priceless and so is Jesus. Much love from Jesus begets much love for Jesus (and others). The something Jesus had to say to Simon just might have something to say to sinners who've said 'I do'.

Jonathan Edwards - Resolution #8

If you've never read the famous "Resolutions" that Jonathan Edwards penned in the course of his 19th year (1722-1723), you should. Resolution #8 has stuck with me ever since I read it over ten years ago. I thought of it again in reference to chapter 2 in When Sinners Say I Do. Here it is:

Resolved, To act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings, as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

And a similar thought from his "Thoughts on the Revival":

Spiritual pride is very apt to suspect others, but a humble saint is most jealous of himself. He is as suspicious of nothing in the world as he is of his own heart. The spiritually proud person is apt to find fault with other saints...and to be quick to notice their deficiencies. But the eminently humble Christian has so much to do at home, and sees so much evil in his own heart, and is so concerned about it, that he is not apt to be very busy with other hearts.... Pure Christian humility disposes a person to take notice of everything that is good in others, and to make the most of it, and to diminish their failings, but to give his eye chiefly on those things that are bad in himself.

Just imagine what would happen (in our lives, relationships, marriages, families, church, etc.) if we resolved to walk through life with this orientation of soul!

Note on 1 Tim. 1:15

When I read through chapter 2, I wrestled a bit with Harvey's interpretation and application of 1 Tim. 1:15. What is Paul referring to and is Harvey over-applying it a bit? So, when we covered this chapter last Friday, I spent a few minutes talking about these issues. It turned out that some other men had asked the same questions.

What I was concerned about was the possibility that some might hold the chapter at arms' length (or worse still, dismiss it altogether!), on account of a difference in interpretation. I didn't want that to happen with such an important chapter. So, in case any of you reading this need the same qualification, here it is. 

The meaning of Paul’s statement “of whom I am the foremost” may very well be in reference to his pre-conversion life. Note the context of 1 Tim. 1:12-16:

¹² I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord,

because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service,

¹³         though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent.

But I received mercy

because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief,

¹⁴                                 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me

with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

¹⁵ The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,

of whom I am the foremost.

¹⁶                     But I received mercy

for this reason, that in me, as the foremost,

Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience

as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

Paul seems to reason along similar lines in 1 Cor. 15:8-9:

Last of all, as to one untimely born, [the Lord Jesus] appeared also to me [on the Damascus Road]. For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

All that being said, Harvey's interpretation could be right. Paul didn't have to use the present tense (i.e. he didn't say "of whom I was foremost"). Either way, the point that Harvey is making in this chapter is true (and incredibly important!). It is the point made in Luke 18:9-14 when the danger of self-righteous comparison is compared to the appropriate beat-your-breast, “God be merciful to me, a [literally ‘THE’] sinner” posture before God (and could you imagine Jesus approving of the tax collector coming into the temple the next day - or 10 years later for that matter - and speaking like the Pharisee?!). It is the point made when Jesus exhorts us to deal with our logs before we try to remove others’ specks. It is the point made when a wicked servant forgiven an infinite debt strangled a fellow servant over relative relational pocket change. It's the point Jonathan Edwards made in resolution #8 of his famous Resolutions (see the next post). So, bottom line: we dare not dismiss or hold at arm's length the truth of chapter 2!

Isn't it just possible that the very self-righteous attitude Harvey is warning against could take a legitimate interpretive question and use it like a judicial technicality to throw the case out – even though (or better yet, precisely because) the defendant is guilty?!

When Sinners Say I Do – Chapter 2 – “Waking Up With the Worst of Sinners”

Key Idea: Until sin be bitter, marriage may not be sweet. (38)

“Til sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet.” (Thomas Watson, quoted on p16)

When sin is bitter, then Christ becomes sweet. When Christ is sweet, marriage will inevitably be sweetened.

Too many think lightly of sin, and therefore think lightly of the Savior. He who has stood before his God, convicted and condemned, with the rope about his neck, is the man to weep for joy when he is pardoned, to hate the evil which has been forgiven him, and to live to the honour of the Redeemer by whose blood he has been cleansed. (Spurgeon, quoted on p38)

Key Passage: 1 Timothy 1:15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. (see next post for a quick qualification)

With the passing of each day, two things grew larger for Paul: his sinfulness in light of the holiness of God, and God’s mercy in the face of his sin. (36)

In any conflict, I must first look in and stop buying the lie that the problem is always “out there” in my/our circumstances – like finances or health or kids, or “out there” in my spouse – like when I say (or think), “if only s/he would (or wouldn’t)…” or “S/he’s the real problem in this marriage!”

Harvey gives the illustration of Rob and Sally, whose issues are typical of many marriages:

Rob and Sally have been Christians for a long time. Like many couples, they have each adopted certain assumptions about how the other should behave, and they each feel they have certain needs that they think the other should meet. And although they attend church and live conscientious Christian lives, Rob and Sally are experiencing serious marital conflict. …

Here are just a couple of examples. Rob says he needs respect, but all he seems to get are Sally’s critical comments each evening when he comes home from work. Sally says she needs Rob to reach out to her and provide her a greater sense of security in their marriage, but all she seems to get is Rob’s passivity day after day. … The problems emerge when, several times a week, they rehearse each other’s failures, reiterate their demands for change, and repeat (with slight variations) the kind of hurtful remarks they’ve been tossing back and forth for months. Curiously—and tragically—Rob and Sally both feel vindicated by many of the marriage books they’ve read, books which feed their sense of justice denied and seem to legitimize the needs they feel so deeply. (39, emphasis mine)

What does the cross have to say to these sinners who’ve said “I do” (and the rest of us)?

The cross makes a stunning statement about husbands and wives: we are sinners and our only hope is grace. Without a clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts outside of the biblical story—the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross—thus eliminating any basis for true understanding, true reconciliation, or true change. Without the gospel of our crucified and risen Savior our marriages slide toward the superficial. We begin to make limp justifications for our sinful behavior, and our marriage conflicts end, at best, in uneasy, partial, negotiated settlements.

But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15-16 trustworthy—once I can embrace it with full acceptance—once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me.” (40-41, emphasis mine)

Harvey then goes on to make it clear that all our sin – even though it is so often played out on the horizontal plane of our relationships – is against God. All sin is vertical.

The big deal is that my sin is not first against me or my marriage. All sin is first against God. And that changes everything. (41)

To accept the designation of “sinner” is to acknowledge who I am in relation to God. It also says who I am not: I am not a neutral actor. (41)

When I speak a critical, unkind word to Kimm in front of our children, my sin is to some degree against the children. Obviously, it is to a much stronger degree against Kimm. What I need to see, however, is that this sin is most strongly, and therefore primarily, against God! And that is something it has in common with every other sin that has ever been or ever will be committed. Every sin, however small or great its apparent impact on people, violates the purity of the perfectly just and holy God. Sin is always aimed first and foremost at God (Dt. 9:16; 1Sam. 15:24; Ps. 51:4). (41-42)

See also Jer. 2:11-13 to ponder the real evil of our sin.

Therefore, if all our sin is ultimately and primarily against God…and if (from last week),

Marriage is not first about me or my spouse. Obviously, the man and woman are essential, but they are also secondary. God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory. (25)

THEN…we must ask ourselves why we do what we do in our marriages.

• Why do you confront sin in your spouse?

o   To gain the moral high ground?

o   To get back at your spouse for times s/he’s embarrassed you or been critical?

o   To shift the spotlight from your failures to hers/his?

o   Or, for the glory of God and the good of your spouse? (Oh, how easy it is to whitewash our selfish agendas with these words!) 

• Why do you encourage (flatter?) your spouse?

o   To butter him/her up? Is it ever a set up for your real agenda?

o   To manipulate in order to get what you want?

o   To soften the blow or bad news you’re about to deliver?

o   Or, to give thanks to God and point out to your spouse his gracious work in your spouse?

• Why do you pursue resolution (or give up) in conflict?

o   To win or prove your point?

o   To just “get it over with” so you can watch Sports Center or “get some sleep?”

o   To get her/him off your back?

o   Or, because it is the gracious reflex of being reconciled to God by the Prince of Peace?

Harvey recounts this helpful example from his own marriage:

Several years ago I became aware of a subtle, destructive habit. Whenever I sensed I had sinned against Kimm I would go to her, confess, and seek to resolve the situation. Looks pretty good when I put it that way, doesn’t it? But I came to realize that my goal was far from noble. I wanted a quick and efficient restoration of our relationship so I could stop feeling bad and get on with “more important things.” In other words, the confession was basically a tool I was employing for my own sake. No wonder, then, that I was often left with a shallow haunting feeling that I now believe was the kind prompting of the Holy Spirit.

After a time of prayer, I recognized that God had been surprisingly forgotten in my words of apology to Kimm. I saw that I had been almost completely unconcerned with the fact that my sin had been first against God, and that I stood guilty before his infinite holiness. I had regarded my sins as errors, or at worst, as “little sins” that required little consideration of my heart. My real goal was simply a kind of marital damage control, not an honest accounting before my Heavenly Father. But by God’s grace I began to see, as J.I. Packer says so well, “There can be no small sins against a great God.” (42, emphasis mine)

All this is pretty humbling stuff. But don’t forget what God promises to the humble:

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (see 1 Pet. 5:5-7; James 4:1-10; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:1-2)

That blood-bought grace is the most powerful marriage-sweetener on the market! When sin becomes bitter, Christ will become sweet...and so will our marriages.