WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt III

Mercy Before the Fact: Practice Kindness

…God has always had a disposition of kindness toward us. … God doesn’t just dispense mercy. He is merciful (Lk 6:36).

God “sees every sinful action, motive, and thought we ever have, yet still relates to us in love. God loves sinners, simple as that, and certainly not because of the sin, but in spite of it. His love expresses itself in kindness toward sinners, and that kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). The phrase “lead us to” tells us his loving-kindness meets us prior to repentance and draws us forward. What a lavish demonstration of mercy toward those who, left to themselves, would flee from God! …

Such kindness…makes a claim upon us: We are called to continue in the kindness we have received (Romans 11:22). We don’t wait to be sinned against and then try to respond with mercy. Rather, we adopt the posture of being willing to experience sin against us as part of building a God-glorifying marriage in a fallen world. Kindness says to our spouse, “I know you are a sinner like me and you will sin against me, just like I sin against you. But I refuse to live defensively with you. I’m going to live leaning in your direction with a merciful posture that your sin and weakness cannot erase.

How can you be kind knowing that there may be another sin against you right around the corner? Because kindness does not have its origins in you, but in God. It isn’t a personality trait, it’s a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22; Colossians 3:12) and an expressions of biblical love (1 Corinthians 13:4). Kindness recognizes that God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23). There is fresh grace for each failure for both the sinner and the one sinned against.” (84-85, emphasis mine)

Which way are you leaning?

• Are you leaning toward your spouse with merciful kindness? 
• Or are you leaning away from your spouse with an easily irritated, critical posture?

Your spouse is not on trial! Repent of your folded arms, “if you’re lucky,” critical, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, prosecuting attorney posture. Fire that inner lawyer, get your eyes on God’s GREAT mercy toward you in Christ, and allow that mercy to incline you in the direction of your spouse with the “gospel lean” of merciful kindness.

Harvey gives a few examples of what this everyday merciful lean looks like (on p85):

• the coffee run for the husband having to work late
• the washing and cleaning out of the mini-van for the busy mom
• the intentional words of encouragement in an area of weakness

What acts of kindness can/will you do this next week? (Stop! Don’t just read on! Think about this and make plans to follow through with it this week! One suggestion: make it something out of the ordinary.)

WSSID Ch 5 - "Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment" - Pt I

How important is mercy in marriage?

How aware are you of the mercy of God? You can test yourself by observing how merciful you are toward those around you. [Remember: our theology—our functional (not merely theoretical) beliefs about God—is the fountain from which the rest of our lives flow.]

• Do you relate to your spouse (and child/ren, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) with mercy?
• Or, are you easily irritated and characteristically impatient?
• Do you treat your spouse as guilty until proven innocent?
• Are you exacting and hyper-critical?
• Do you send your spouse on guilt trips when their mistakes or interruptions put you out?

If these describe you, the problem is that you are not living with a significant awareness of God’s great mercy toward you. Would you want God to relate to you the way you relate to others?

It’s easy to see how essential mercy is to sinners who’ve said “I do.”

So, what is mercy?

Harvey describes it well when he says that mercy “means [God’s] kindness, patience, and forgiveness toward us. It is his compassionate willingness to suffer for and with sinners for their ultimate good.” (79)

He goes on to unpack the importance of mercy this way: 

Do you know God as a God of mercy? Do you see your spouse as God sees him or her—through eyes of mercy? If your answer to either question is no, it is unlikely that your marriage is sweet. Mercy sweetens marriage. Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful. … Mercy sweetens the bitterness out of relationships—especially marriage. ...

Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married? Think about it like this: Marriage is a place where two sinners become so connected that all the masks come off. It’s not only that we sometimes put on our best faces in public, it’s that when we’re married we see each other in all kinds of situations, including some very difficult ones. All the wonderful diversity (in this case, a polite word for our personal quirks, weaknesses, and sin patterns) that was kept refined and subdued before the wedding tumbles out of the closet after the honeymoon. We begin to see each other as we really are—raw, uncensored, and in Technicolor. If our eyes are open, we discover wonderful things about our spouses that we never knew were there. We also discover more of the other person’s weaknesses. … Without mercy, differences become divisive, sometimes even “irreconcilable.” But deep, profound differences are the reality of every marriage. It’s not the presence of differences but the absence of mercy that makes them irreconcilable. (80-81, emphasis mine)

… Mercy is given to be shared. And what it touches, it ultimately sweetens. We are to pass along what we have received from God—steadfast love, inexplicable kindness, overflowing compassion. We sinned against God and he responded with mercy. We are called to go and do the same. (83, emphasis mine)

I hope this question rings in your ears: "Have you ever thought that passing along God’s mercy may be one of the main reasons you’re married?" Seek to live life in view of the mercies of God, so that you will be an active and generous conduit of God's mercy to your spouse!