WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Heart Check

Talk of the devotion and delight in marital sex can really be a sore subject for many spouses. Sadly, there is probably more pain, shame, hurt, frustration, disappointment, and anger here than there is devotion, delight, gratitude, joy, and satisfaction.

Harvey wisely and sensitively acknowledges this:

I recognize that there will be some reading this who can’t imagine the kind of physical relationship Paul indicates. For you, intimacy with your spouse may be intertwined with a sense of apprehension, rejection, and shame. This is a real challenge in many marriages that cannot be simply overlooked. (157)

Many of us shut down when wounded, or withdraw when discouraged, or are tempted to manipulate our spouse by using the body as a bargaining tool. We can be tempted with “solo sex” through fantasy, pornography, and/or masturbation. (159-160)

I offer no trite or flippant "solutions." I only remind you that you are not alone (God is with you and you are in quite a vast company of those who have struggled), God is willing and God is able to give grace and help.

Which is why the last point is so important…

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Delight

Sex in marriage is an adventure of devotion. It’s also an adventure of delight.

     2. Delight

Do you delight in giving pleasure to your spouse?

Notice Paul doesn’t emphasize taking from our spouse our conjugal rights. By instead emphasizing the giving of these rights to one another, Paul locates the key for great sex as generosity. (159)

C.J. Mahaney said, “Indeed any married person who rightly sees these verses as commands from God will bring to the marriage bed a servant’s mindset that places the primary emphasis on the sexual satisfaction of his or her spouse.” This is part of what makes marriage delightful—the joy of living for someone beyond ourselves. (159)

When we think about sexual delight in marriage, we need to make sure our expectations are not unduly influenced by this world of unreal ideals and false promises.

Although delighting in sex should be the overflow of love in Christian marriages, not every encounter will be accompanied by fireworks or become a contender for your top-ten list of romantic moments. (161)

David Powlison says it even better:

Good sexual love is simply "normal." Sometimes the idealized view of good sex can sound overheated, even when we prize and protect marital sexuality. Sometimes we can give the idea that good sex (in both senses) is a gymnastic, ecstatic, romantic, athletic, electric, semi-psychotic, erotic, high-wire, bug-eyed, luxuriating, ravishing bliss of marital passion! Sorry to disillusion you. But much of good sex is just . . . well, normal, everyday. Think about it. Most people in the history of the world have lived in one-room huts, where the kids sleep in the same room with their parents! Countless families have lived in flats, with only curtains for room dividers, your mother-in-law in the far corner, your wife's younger brother sleeping on the couch. Or they've lived in tents, as nomads. Not much sound-proofing or major privacy operative in that housing arrangement! Not much in the way of gymnastics or sound effects is possible unless you have no children. That's not to say that a married couple with children shouldn't get away for a weekend, or close the door, or do things to make sex special. Nothing wrong with some high-wire encounters that bring a little extra spice. 

Think of the analogy with food, another of life's very redeemable pleasures. Occasionally you pull out the stops for a memorable feast with all the fixings. But in normal life, you eat a lot of healthy breakfasts. In the redemption of sex, lots of normal things flourish. How about courtesy? Basic kindness and patience? How about humor--pet names, teasing, irony, private jokes? Good sex is not that serious! How about mercy? How about a shower, shave, and being relaxed? How about a fundamental willingness to be available to another, simply to give. How about conversation? How about quiet, slow, leisurely time together? Basic love goes a long way towards making good sex good. It's great when the Richter Scale tops out at an earth-shattering 8.1. But in normalized good sex, you'll also enjoy 3.1 temblors that hardly rattle the teacups. 

Get your goals straight. It heightens the significance of your Savior. He alone restores you to practical love for God and to the practical love appropriate for each of your various kinds of neighbors. He alone makes daily life shine with visible glory.

(“Making All Things New: Restoring Pure Joy to the Sexually Broken” in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, pp. 103-104.)

Talk about it:

• Have you ever talked back and forth about what brings you pleasure (and what doesn’t)?
• Are you working to learn and study your spouse? What brings pleasure doesn’t have to be a mystery…or an exercise in mind-reading!
• (Men especially) Don’t ever ask or pressure your spouse to do something they are uncomfortable doing! Love is...kind...and does not insist on its own way (1 Cor. 13:4-5).

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Devotion

God is not afraid to look us in the eye and address sex head-on. We need to learn to do the same – with God, in the church, and in our marriages. Harvey does a good job of getting us started in chapter 9.

Key text: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Key Idea: Sex in marriage is an adventure in devotion, delight, and dependence.

First, an adventure in devotion – devotion to one another’s protection and one another’s rights.

1. Devotion

• Devotion to one another’s protection

1 Cor. 7:2

²           But because of the temptation to sexual immorality,

each man should have his own wife and

each woman her own husband.

For the Christian, sex in marriage is to be a God-installed defense against temptation. … Our spouse is our first line of defense to protect us from the calls of [this lust-driven, sex-crazed world]. (155)

Sex works invisibly but powerfully to diminish temptations to sexual immorality. We need to see that such moral protection is not just a pleasant byproduct of marital intimacy. It is a core reason for marital intimacy. (156)

Our strategy against temptation cannot simply be avoidance. You don’t just fight for your marriage by killing lust. You fight for your marriage by cultivating healthy growth in intimacy! Weed killing is necessary, but one of the best defenses against them is a healthy lawn. God is all for this. He commands this (see Prov. 5:15, 18, 19)! In fact, he looked us in the eye and put Song of Songs in the Bible for His glory and our good!

How comfortable are you talking about sex with your spouse? Harvey writes on page 154, “…there may be no area more thought about and less talked about in a marriage than sex.” That’s a problem that we need to address and remedy – for the glory of God and the good of our marriages. Maybe this chapter can help get you off the block!

• Devotion to one another's rights

1 Cor. 7:3

³           The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights,

and likewise the wife to her husband.

Why?

⁴           For the wife does not have authority over her own body,

but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,

but the wife does.

...marriage becomes an adventure by underscoring the other-centered nature of our union. Marriage means that our bodies are now claimed by God for the pleasure and service [e.g. protection] of another. Our connection is so comprehensive that God gives our spouse a claim over our body. It’s a remarkable picture of the actual scope of “the two becoming one flesh.” We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse. (157)

So…(application)

⁵           Do not deprive one another,

except perhaps by agreement

for a limited time,

that you may devote yourselves to prayer;

but then come together again,

so that Satan may not tempt you

because of your lack of self-control.

You’ve got to notice the language: It’s “give the other her/his rights” and “do not deprive;” it’s NOT, “Now I can play the “I own your body” card!”

Talk about it:

• How well do you and your spouse communicate about sex? You’ve GOT to work on this!
• Have you ever talked about issues of frequency and expectations?
• Have you ever talked about frustrations, distractions, discouragements?