Re:flection: Intimacy

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex

WSSID Ch 9 - Put marital intimacy in its place!

"My hope in this chapter is to bring the sensitive issue of sex under the hope of the gospel, where it belongs." (168, emphasis mine)

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Dependence

Sex is marriage an adventure of devotion, delight, and finally, dependence.

3. Dependence

Sex is part of ordinary married life. Just as we need grace for every other aspect of ordinary life, we need grace for our “sex life.” Given all the challenges and obstacles and “issues” that make healthy, happy, holy marital intimacy more an exception than the norm, you’d think we’d be really dependent and prayerful here!

What kinds of things typically get in the way?

Certainly there are circumstantial and even physical obstacles that often get in the way. But the greatest obstacles flow from our sinful hearts. Harvey looks at three common sins that can rob sweetness from the sexual relationship in marriage (on 163ff).

What might happen if we humbly depend on Gospel grace to overcome these obstacles?

Sloth

The sin of sloth may go by other names and take various forms:

Indifference
Passivity
Unresponsiveness
Letting your appearance go
Boredom (and lazily doing nothing about it)
Settling for things as they are (after all, "they'll never change")

NO!
DEPEND on God for energy and strength and grace!

Unbelief

“It’ll never change!"
“I can’t ever please him/her."
“She’ll/He’ll never…”

No!

Do you really believe that this one is beyond God’s reach?!

Do you really believe God can’t help / doesn’t want to help?!

DEPEND on God for intervention and change and grace!

Bitterness

Unbelief says, “I/God can’t” – Bitterness says, “I/God won’t!”
Unbelief leans away from God’s promises; bitterness slams the door
Where is there unresolved conflict that could be resolved?
Where is there lack of forgiveness that gospel grace could reconcile?
"Married people turned bitter use their bodies as a weapon, a weapon that harms by withholding. A weapon used to punish the other person for sinning against us. This calls for forgiveness.” (165)

NO!

The warmth of infinite-debt paying, blood-bought reconciliation with God can melt the ice of bitterness!

There is GOSPEL grace for sloth, unbelief, & bitterness!

DEPEND! Is it not possible that "we have not because we ask not?!"

Talk about it:

Which of the following might be the greatest challenge you face in regard to sexual intimacy right now—sloth, unbelief, or bitterness? How can you being to apply grace to overcome these personal hindrances? (from p57 in the Study Guide)
What are some of the influences in your life that have shaped your view of romance and sex? How can you begin to weed their influence out of your life? (from p57 in the Study Guide)

Ask your spouse whether he or she is aware of sloth, unbelief, or bitterness as a potential obstacle to a God-glorifying sex life.
Confess any sin you need to confess
Ask for forgiveness
Talk about how to walk forward in reconciled dependence
Pray together and ask for grace for your sex life!
Talk about some ways men and women often view the issue of sex and romance differently. (Don’t be trite or sarcastic! These are gospel and glory-of-God issues!)
How do these differences put pressure on or cause conflict or coldness in your marriage?
What are some of the practical obstacles (like schedules and tiredness and kids, etc.) that you need to take into consideration and work around to cultivate healthy intimacy?
Talk about some of the times when your physical intimacy has been its most healthy and enjoyable and think together about why.

This all takes work. But the fact that it can and must be worked at should encourage us. Good marital sex is not for the privileged few.

I’ve had the privilege of growing in the faith with some unusually gifted people, and I would say it’s the rare person for whom creative, romantic ideas come spontaneously. Most of the folks I know pursuing romance and intimacy in their marriages are spending time planning, asking questions, investigating what is romantic to their spouses and not assuming they know. As with any artistry, there are far more discarded ideas than masterpieces. But to get a masterpiece you must be willing to work at creativity. I’ll guarantee you this, if you see someone who is truly good at romancing his or her spouse, you probably won’t be looking at a natural. You’ll be looking at someone who works at creativity, and makes careful planning look effortless. That, my friends, is art worth pursuing.

Great sex in marriage comes from conscious dependence on the goodness and sovereignty of God, who is at work powerfully to make our marriages a source of spiritual and physical joy. (167)

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Heart Check

Talk of the devotion and delight in marital sex can really be a sore subject for many spouses. Sadly, there is probably more pain, shame, hurt, frustration, disappointment, and anger here than there is devotion, delight, gratitude, joy, and satisfaction.

Harvey wisely and sensitively acknowledges this:

I recognize that there will be some reading this who can’t imagine the kind of physical relationship Paul indicates. For you, intimacy with your spouse may be intertwined with a sense of apprehension, rejection, and shame. This is a real challenge in many marriages that cannot be simply overlooked. (157)

Many of us shut down when wounded, or withdraw when discouraged, or are tempted to manipulate our spouse by using the body as a bargaining tool. We can be tempted with “solo sex” through fantasy, pornography, and/or masturbation. (159-160)

I offer no trite or flippant "solutions." I only remind you that you are not alone (God is with you and you are in quite a vast company of those who have struggled), God is willing and God is able to give grace and help.

Which is why the last point is so important…

WSSID Ch 9 - Concerning Sex - Devotion

God is not afraid to look us in the eye and address sex head-on. We need to learn to do the same – with God, in the church, and in our marriages. Harvey does a good job of getting us started in chapter 9.

Key text: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Key Idea: Sex in marriage is an adventure in devotion, delight, and dependence.

First, an adventure in devotion – devotion to one another’s protection and one another’s rights.

Devotion

Devotion to one another’s protection

1 Cor. 7:2

² But because of the temptation to sexual immorality,

each man should have his own wife and

each woman her own husband.

For the Christian, sex in marriage is to be a God-installed defense against temptation. … Our spouse is our first line of defense to protect us from the calls of [this lust-driven, sex-crazed world]. (155)

Sex works invisibly but powerfully to diminish temptations to sexual immorality. We need to see that such moral protection is not just a pleasant byproduct of marital intimacy. It is a core reason for marital intimacy. (156)

Our strategy against temptation cannot simply be avoidance. You don’t just fight for your marriage by killing lust. You fight for your marriage by cultivating healthy growth in intimacy! Weed killing is necessary, but one of the best defenses against them is a healthy lawn. God is all for this. He commands this (see Prov. 5:15, 18, 19)! In fact, he looked us in the eye and put Song of Songs in the Bible for His glory and our good!

How comfortable are you talking about sex with your spouse? Harvey writes on page 154, “…there may be no area more thought about and less talked about in a marriage than sex.” That’s a problem that we need to address and remedy – for the glory of God and the good of our marriages. Maybe this chapter can help get you off the block!

Devotion to one another's rights

1 Cor. 7:3

³ The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights,

and likewise the wife to her husband.

Why?

⁴ For the wife does not have authority over her own body,

but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,

but the wife does.

...marriage becomes an adventure by underscoring the other-centered nature of our union. Marriage means that our bodies are now claimed by God for the pleasure and service [e.g. protection] of another. Our connection is so comprehensive that God gives our spouse a claim over our body. It’s a remarkable picture of the actual scope of “the two becoming one flesh.” We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse. (157)

So…(application)

⁵ Do not deprive one another,

except perhaps by agreement

for a limited time,

that you may devote yourselves to prayer;

but then come together again,

so that Satan may not tempt you

because of your lack of self-control.

You’ve got to notice the language: It’s “give the other her/his rights” and “do not deprive;” it’s NOT, “Now I can play the “I own your body” card!”